


Tokyo Ghoul √A Cracks

by xxxDreamingflowerxxx



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: A lot of randomness and hilarity, Action/Adventure, Adult Humor, Comedy, Crack, Dark Comedy, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, I seriously don't know how to rate this story, Insanity, Madness, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Multi, No one remembers Souta's name, Parody, Pierrot is evil, Psychological Torture, Psychological Trauma, Randomness, Seidou's one-sided crushes, Sexual Humor, Some bromance with Hide later on!, This story has practically no plot, This story is insane!, references to Tokyo Ghoul:Re
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-11
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-04-30 23:07:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 38,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5183087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxxDreamingflowerxxx/pseuds/xxxDreamingflowerxxx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A parody of Tokyo Ghoul √A. Follow our main character(s) as they tackle the random problems of season 2's plot... If it has any to begin with. Kaneki falls into depravity and copes with his psychopathic urges! Superhero Amon fights the evil in Tokyo Ghoul, The recent widow Marude get's over the loss of his lover. Kuroiwa and Shinohara's quinque armour problem. Hinami's shrink visits, Nishiki's drug problem, Tsukiyama's obesity and much more!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Le Grand Entrance

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, my god, I can't believe I actually wrote this. In 2 days! 
> 
> So this will be a parody of Root A. Since there were many things that made me wonder what the hell the producers were thinking and because I love comedy.
> 
> Credits will also partly go to gabyta07 and NeutralSide from My anime list forums, for helping me to come up with ideas.
> 
> This story will be as long as the anime 12 chapters, but well when you notice the length of the chapters that's still a lot. I may not add some weird off-plot chapters. For more info about those well, check the author's note at the end of the story.
> 
> So guys get ready for this long madness ride!
> 
> I don't own Tokyo Ghoul! Ishida-sensei does and Pierrot is only responsible for the anime.
> 
> Original publish date: 3/18/2015

Hello, bunch of peeps! It's thy time again! I bet weeks ago you've been all impatiently waiting for that one hour to arrive, maybe not even slept properly, thinking about skipping class only for one day, ready to wake up at 3 am in the morning or rushing back home after your exam, ready to hog the computer or laptop for yourself until the start of Tokyo Ghoul Root A episode one. All except the lucky Japanese bastards who bought a ticket to watch it Sunday with your black nail polish and your, I Love Kaneki shirts. Kaneki is probably flattered or doesn't give a damn, but hey, let's have a better look at what happened then, Kay?

We just witnessed the disappointed scene where Kaneki devoured... Half-devoured Yamori off screen. Thank you for the unnecessary censors Pierrot! And now our lovely depressed, turned hero is getting himself ready for the upcoming battle! He turned around when he heard the sound of a scooter getting louder.

"Package for a Kaneki Ken?"

"That's me." The white-haired half-ghoul muttered.

"Please sign here, here, here as here." The mail person said, not even bothered about the bloody surrounding he was at. It makes you wonder how a simple mail person could enter the depths of Aogiri's strong hold without getting spotted.

Kaneki does what the random mail person said and wrote his signature with a pencil covered in blood. He returned the paper and the mail dude checked it, making a frown while trying his best to read it.

"Next time, please wash your hands. I don't want to run after bloodhounds again just because another person smeared the paper in blood. Well, enjoy your new toy!" He handed over the package and drove away quickly.

Kaneki stared at the package, it had a note attached, with the words; here's your shitty thing, don't fucking lose it again because I won't send it anymore. Shitty Nishiki.

Without further ado, the half-ghoul slipped on the mask. Owwww, so that's how he was able to make it magically appear in the anime! And started to head for the exit, while he walked super dramatically slow, kakugan also activating dramatically to make all the fans swoon, background music started to play, wanting to show us how badass Kaneki had become. Because we all know badass characters have a background music when they walk. *snort* Let's throw some random crows in for more drama. Ghouls and crows are such a good match, they both eat meat, human meat!

A few kilometres away at the same time Hide was biking as hard as he could for no reason, no wait there was a reason. He lost a truth or dare match with his classmates at the university and had to film something scary and disturbing. I wonder how easy that is going to be.

"I don't know why I'm heading towards this direction, since a puny human like me can't do shit and I don't see the point of watching how my best friend turns into a cold-blooded cannibalistic killer, but I'm sure the nice people from Pierrot know what I'm doing!"

Whoops.

So he arrived a few kilometres away from the massacre, a chair tied up on the back of his bike, which he placed on the ground and sat there; popcorn and soda on his lap and a pair of binoculars hanging around his neck. "I'm so glad I got this automatic refilling popcorn. No matter how much I eat, it will duplicate itself within seconds! And if I get bored I can always shoot those annoying crows with this gun I brought with me!"

Is anyone else getting hungry? Because I am.

* * *

Since the anime skips to Yoshimura, we will do the same. Standing in its complete kakuja glory, glaring at Shinohara and Kuroiwa. **"I'm acting all scary and mighty, but honestly, I'm quite the softy. Look how many times have we crossed... Weapons and I haven't killed anyone. If I wanted, I could make you all suffer."**

Shinohara glanced at his whole team. "Well, Kuroiwa is going to stay, the emotionless Hirako too, and..." He glances at Amon, who glared prideful and certain at their enemy. "Seriously, idk what to do with you... The manga tells me to send you away, but the anime tells me you should stay... Every replaceable trash can stay here... Not sure if Hirako is replaceable trash, though..."

The man frowns at the insult. He'll get him back one day.

Amon takes a deep breath. "Justice has to be preserved! I have to cleanse the world from any wrong doers! As FLOPPYMAN!"

"So does that mean that you'll stay?"

"... I don't know..."

Shinohara sighed. "Fine, go sit over there and contemplate about your choice, we'll start the battle."

Floppyman did as he was told and sat in a corner, thinking which choice was better; manga or anime.

Gosh, this world is filled with idiots.

"Now it's time for our super ultra mega awesome super weapon!" Shinohara and Kuroiwa exclaimed in unison.

They both stood straight and did a sentai-like dance. "Super investigators, kakuja quinque activate! Arata Armour!"

The moment they threw their hands in the air a glowing armour formed around the two. Light emitted from the CCG investigators it blinded almost everyone. When Yoshimura opened his eyes, he almost felt like he'd die from laughing. Tentacle-like parts were tightly constricted on the two men's private areas. It was uncomfortable for everyone.

"Shit! Wrong button!" Kuroiwa yelled.

"I can't take this! I should have gone to the strip club before going on this mission!" Shinohara admitted.

Hirako kept his neutral gaze and quickly took out his phone. He would have never guessed that he could take his revenge so soon.

"How dare you!" Amon exclaimed dramatically. "You're tainting the innocent minds of the children."

Not sure what he's talking about since Tokyo Ghoul is supposed to be a seinen manga and converted into shounen anime by Pierrot, thank you very much for that.

"Silence! I will erase everything that's blackening this world, for my name is;

FLOPPYMAN!"

* * *

Now at Touka and Ayato. The two siblings were finally reunited in a heartwarming/ breaking moment. Touka was sent flying against the wall by her brother.

"This organization isn't good for anything!" The teen yelled as she manifested her kagune and shot projectiles to her little brother.

*sniff* such a sweet family reunion.

Ayato cloaked himself in his own kagune and lunged towards his sister. Too bad since he tripped on a banana and fell on the ground. His sister started to laugh.

Oh look, Haise, I found your lover!

"So this is what Aogiri has given you? The ability to be a clumsy idiot! Hahaha! Oh yes, that's a perfect strength! Sign me in too, so I can become a complete dork!"

"Grrrrrr, shut your fucking mouth. Shitty aneki!" He also started to shoot his crystallized kagune. "That was just bad directing! I would have done it right if it wasn't for that stupid fruit!"

Don't insult the fruit, it has more feelings than you have!

"No one asked you anything!"

The banana started to cry and ran away.

Happy now dude? Are you going to start your 'we're ghouls we're monsters, human suck' nonsense?

"I fucking hate you!"

Kay, due to Ayato's bitching he decided to go for the manga version of his battle with his sister. So after beating her up repeatedly and some nasty words exchanged between the two that mostly contained sentences like; you suck! And: oh yeah? Well, you suck, even more, he started to munch on her kagune. Seriously, what kind of sicko are you? It's your own sister.

The barbarian ignored the narrator and continues to eat his sister like a savage.

* * *

"FLOPPYMAN punch! FLOPPYMAN kick! FLOPPYMAN headbutt!"

Yoshimura, the still filming Hirako and all the other CCG members stared at the strange but amusing scene. Amon, having changed into his lame superhero costume, which consisted of a trash can, covering his torso, two holes on the sides for his arms and two for his legs at the bottom and a garbage lit on his head.

"I don't know what's weirder. Amon-san's creepy hero complex or Marude-san's affair with his own motorbike..." One of the investigators mumbled.

"Marude-san, at least, Amon-san is not doing it with his costume."

"You got a point."

Pff, As if Amon is smart enough for that!

Behind his kakuja mask, Yoshimura was sad because he couldn't show off his badass skills.

* * *

"Un, ni, tre, four, cinco! Six set huit nein! And dieci! I speak perfect French and Italian!"

At Yomo's side, the three badass (with two crazy) ghouls continued to slaughter all the weaklings. Hah, what a feat!

Uta plunged his hands through... What's his name again's body... Ah, Noro! "Hmm, not much resistance, is there?"

Yomo quickly rushed to the ghoul and landed a kick that would make Nishiki blush. The head flew off kilometres away.

"Dolce!" Tsukiyama exclaimed while kissing his fingers for no reason. Too bad for them, Noro regenerated. The three ghouls glanced baffled at their opponent.

"Let's not give up guys!" Yomo mumbled. "He has to have a weakness!"

Five billion-sixty nine thousand and three hundred and five attempts later... Nothing changed, except for the tree becoming extremely tired, covered in disgusting sweat and weaving like dogs.

"Burning him didn't work, blowing him into pieces neither, drown him, melt into acid, selling him on eBay, we tried everything, but he's still here." The white haired ghoul grumbled.

Uta scratched his chin pensively. "Being able to mend himself after having his top knocked off like that puts him beyond ghoulish healing abilities. You know, since he keeps regenerating how about we try something that will be harder to regenerate, but what?."

"Hmm, his life force is astonishing." Tsukiyama mused. "I wonder what he tastes like."

There was a silence. Uta and Yomo both turned to the homosexual.

"Quoi?"

A few hours later.

"Keep eating! You're almost done!" Yomo encouraged... In a not very encouraging tone.

Tsukiyama closed his eyes and took another bite. He opened his eyes only to see that Noro was still there. The same as ever, unlike Tsukiyama who had gained like a hundred kilos. He practically turned into a giant fatty mattress.

"Sacrebleu!" The gourmet gagged. "My, my arms! I can't see my arms! NONONONONONO! I'm too tired to move! I can't get up, what happened?!"

The remaining ghouls just stared at the amusing sight.

"..."

Uta shrugged. "Well, that backfired unexpectedly." He lowered himself to the recently obese ghoul and started poking him with a stick. "Hey, this is kinda fun."

Yomo turned his attention to Uta. "So, we've gotten nowhere with this. Let's just go back to focusing on our mission."

"What about him?" The mask maker pointed to the purple homo.

"Let's dump him somewhere where he won't attract much attention... But it will be hard with only two people...

Noro's head snapped up as he excitingly raised his arms.

A few minutes later Uta and Yomo, with the help of Noro were dragging the fattest ghoul they've ever seen through the stronghold.

"I wonder how much he weights now." Uta wondered.

The other two ghouls kept silent of course. They arrived at a quite vacant place with a hole in the ground.

"Let's dump him here." The ukaku ghoul said.

"Eh, what are you planning to do with me?" Tsukiyama asked. He tried desperately to move, but his arms and legs were too fat and before he could say anything else, a hard push from the three ghouls send him over the edge.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOON!"

The fat ghoul quickly disappeared into the darkness.

Noro stared at the hole and took out a board with something written on it; I wonder where he'll end up.

A few floors lower, at a questionable safe house or a prison... It's hard to say with the anime. Banjou, Sante, Ichimi and Jiro just sat there being completely bored and useless.

"I can't believe those bastards from Pierrot wrote us out of the script!" Banjou complained.

His friends just looked at him. "Well, it's not like we had to contribute much. We're not that strong."

"But, but, we were responsible for a large part of the plot twist and character development later on!"

"The anime is going to take another route. That's why it's called Root A. Speaking of different routes, I wonder how we'll get out of this."

As on queue, the four men heard rumbling from above them and before they knew it an enormous pile of meat almost squished them. "Ka... Kaneki-kun... Have I, Tsukiyama Shuu, saved you already?"

* * *

Back with the Kirishima siblings. Ayato, thanks to food poisoning, started to puke while his injured sister laid there heaving in pain.

"You taste like crap, all right!"

"The... Fuck... You else... Expect..." The girl breathed out. "Since... YOU'RE... My shitty... Brother...!"

Ohhhhhh, burn!

"You fucking asked for it!"

* * *

On the next episode of Floppyman adventures...

Floppyman continues his assault on his higher ups while everyone else just keeps watching.

"Aren't we supposed to attack the owl? How did it end up like this?" A faceless investigator asked.

CCG two shook his head. "I don't know..."

The nameless faces glanced at the ghoul who seemed to be sulking at his lack of screen time. He looked so strong and dangerous as if he could pop their heads any second... Wait, he can do that...

 **"If Arata was aware of this... He'd be so ashamed of what the future had brought him,"** He mumbled, **"degraded to a mere sex toy. Humans are certainly terrifying creatures..."**

Like a light switch turning itself on, Arata started to resonate to the old man's comment and engulfed its host deeper into the kakuja. The two screamed in pain.

"Aaaarrgghh! This isn't what I signed up for!"

"Yes, yes a bit lower... I mean ouch the pain the pain! It's unbearable."

A speechless CCG, a Hirako, who decided he had filmed enough and an Amon, who kept rambling crap, observed the scene as if it was an everyday occurrence.

"Justice has triumphed, by the power of FLOPPYMAN!"

The manager of Anteiku decided he had seen enough and turned around.

"Ugh, wait, owl!" Shinohara growled after the ghoul in pain. His puny attempts by crouching closer were all failing of course. "We're not done yet. Aaaah! Arata!"

 **"... I've seen enough. I gave you a chance to come at me, but apparently you have more important business to take care off. I'm also wondering how Hinami and Saya are doing."** He mumbled the last part mostly to himself. He glanced back at the two men with the kakuja quinque. **"May Arata's soul rest in peace."**

Somewhere in limbo or an unknown realm the kakuja ghoul Arata is crying in a corner, from both humiliation and the fact that his cute kids are trying to kill each other. He probably wants to hug and baby them too. Gosh, he has such a big father complex.

* * *

Too bad for him, the younger sibling is nearly killing his older sibling, for insulting him. "You and our old man are both weaklings! Now I'm going to unleash all my misdirected fury on you!"

Tadadadah! Now we can guess what happens. Ayato tries to attack Touka again, but a tortured thin lump of fluffy white hair arrives at the right time and saves the princess from the dragon! Psychotic fluffy head jumps away from the bratty kid, holding his princess in bridal style!

"I'm not a fucking princess!"

He stood dramatically still, letting the wind whoosh awesomely through his hair. Because he has become a badass character so he has to show how awesome he is now!

And the annoying sound of the trolling crows screeches through the scene. Seriously, what kind of dramatic effect can a stupid black bird give you? Cept the need to kill them.

Ayato glared at him like a gorilla. His hormone enchanted face was covered by his locks thanks to the same wind. Sometimes you wonder: is he really a 15-year-like brat?

Touka started to grumble. "I fucking refuse to lose consciousness! And take on the stupid, helpless girl role!"

Sorry Touka-chan, but since Kaneki has received a lot of testosterone in this season, you'll have to be the helpless girl now. :)

"Fuck you!"

"Who are you talking to?" Whitey asked with his droopy gloomy eyes that make every fangirl/ boy go wild.

Meanwhile, Hide continued to enjoy his popcorn and shooting down some annoying crows. He almost fell off his chair laughing when one crow hit an invisible wall or when another got spattered by some random aircraft.

"I feel like a useless character here, but gosh, this popcorn is amazing!"

Let's skip back to the lovebirds!

"I'm sorry Touka-chan..."

"For what? Hearing my brother admitting that he tastes like crap?"

"I fucking heard that!"

"Shut your fucking mouth Ayato! You may act high and mighty, but I still know about Bunchou!"

"Don't you dare to bring him up!"

"Tweet, tweet! How long did you cry when it pecked your hand? Or when you read that one manga where a girl was walking around with a dead bird!"

For the curious eyes, that manga is called Sekai oni. There are some disturbing scenes in that manga, but Kaneki lovers can probably tolerate it.

"You... You meanie! I won't forgive you!"

Ayato broke down into sobbing like the little boy that he is.

"I'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyouI'llkillyou!"

Tantrum baby Ayato's mood swing turned into raging again and unleashed another attack. That, of course, was useless.

Kaneki turned to Nishiki, who surprisingly arrived on the roof off-screen. How convenient.

"Here, please take care of Touka-chan." He placed the girl on the floor and turned towards her PMSing brother. Cracking his finger, while he felt something stirring inside. Something has to be done!

He skilfully appeared behind the boy, after some awesome evading skills, saying those oooh-so familiar words, ready to unleash his anger. "You're Touka-chan's only brother. I won't kill you."

"And I should feel flattered! I'm tired of this crap! Let's end this like real men! With a dance battle!

~Just just dance!~

* * *

 Outside in a place far, far away from the bloodshed and crazy characters, Eto and Tatara are just enjoying the view, of what's happening at their soon to be destroyed stronghold.

"Hmm, I like the rain." The mummy comments.

Her companion nodded.

"I wonder... We probably would be done sooner if we helped too."

"Yeah."

"Let's continue watching!"

"Sure."

"And kill those annoying crows, I don't see how they can make things here look better."

Wow, what character interaction.

* * *

 ~Ho Ho

When it's Christmas time

Everybody's waitin' in a big ass line

To sit on my lap

And beg for Elmo's, iPads, and crap

Brats are outta control

My elves are doing nothing but shovelin' coal

Older girls sit on me

And get their picture taken ironically

Girl look at that belly

Like a bowl full of jelly

As seen on the telly

It sticks out

I come down your chimney

Though it don't quite fit me

Why do I smell kindling?

Put it out

My doctor told me I had diabetes

That's what happens when you eat a hundred billion cookies

I still deliver all this booty.

It don't matter if it's drizzling, freezing, sleeting, blowin, snowin'

I'm Santa and I know it

I'm Santa and I know it

Oops, wrong lyrics... BTW, what's with all those repeating scene skips?

Attack, dodge, blood, splash, heal, attack, dodge, blood, splash, heal, attack, dodge, blood, splash, heal. That's how it went for a while within the beat, Ayato attacks in a groovy style and Kaneki decides to give the boy some slack to satisfy the brat's pride and go along with the beat, healing his wounds like it's nothing, seriously I'd want such a fast healing rate! It's a good thing before you break that pride and crush it into million pieces until you only see red. BLOODY RED AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It's the way of the ghoul! Dance battles soaked in blood!

"I keep wondering if I should give you a lecture or just say what I want to say..."Kaneki mumbled. "Yes, a lecture would be nice. It seems like you definitely need a lesson to be taught." He felt like his fingers were trembling with pleasure at the thought.

"Just shut your fucking mouth and die!"

~That it's a thriller, thriller night

'Cause I can thrill you more than any ghost would dare to try

Girl, this is thriller, thriller night

So let me hold you tight and share a killer, diller, chiller

Thriller here tonight

Groovy movements a~nd! Kaneki suddenly appears in front of Ayato, showing a super creepy face like a ghost's. Ayato screams like a little girl. While the fans all swoon.

"THE HELL I AM!"

Our creepy half-ghoul started to smirk evilly as he kicked Ayato two times; one in his stomach the other one in his dick. The boy cringed, but is stopped by Kaneki from collapsing on the floor. "Shut up and Listen, I'm talking!" Millions of fangirls scream in the background, 100 have been sent to the hospital due to blood loss, another one fainted.

The psychopath jumps away. The useless crows are still trolling around for no fucking reason. It makes them both irritated and me too, but they heard a few gunshots, some crows dropped dead, others were able to escape and out of nowhere a dog appeared and started to laugh. YAAY THE DEATH OF THE CROWS! At least a few...

"Damn that dog!" Hide growled from his seat. "This is getting serious! I won't let you escape this time!"

PETA would be so proud of him. Luckily for the plot Ayato and Kaneki are forced to ignore that.

"As I was saying, I have the feeling that we'll get a better understanding if I educate you, don't you think so?" Another finger cracking. "I want, I need to..."

Explosion time! Noro appeared out of nowhere with his cute board. "I'm getting tired of your shit." He takes out his monster worm kagune and kidnaps Ayato.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?! PUT ME DOWN, I'M NOT A LITTLE KID!"

The mute ghoul pushed his holy board against the delinquent's face. 'Bro, I just fucking saved your life, besides, time's up. Let's get out of this shit hole, I've been traumatized enough by that fatty."

Jump, jump, jump he goes! Away from the battle and Pierrot's claws, leaving our cannibal confused and frustrated. "I... What..." He checks his hands again, the trembling is still present, the unsatisfied feeling that something very important didn't happen made him nervous. He didn't know why, but something, very, very ve~ryyy important was missing.

DAMN YOU PIERROT!

After some minutes of irritation from the manga readers, the whole building started to shake. Crap, Ganondorf tries to take the Anteiku party with him! You guys have 3 minutes to leave this place with your ghoul powers!

"No one here plays video games, so what's the point of bringing that up?" Nishiki mumbled while he secretly hid his 3DS with Majora's Mask 3D.

Just get your fucking party out of there!

Sexy snow-head grabs the now unconscious Touka, who lost consciousness due to blood loss and exhaustion and silently walks towards the exits, trying his best to forget that gnawing feeling in the back of his mind. If they come across another Aogiri member he can mutilate that body whenever he wants.

* * *

With the incompetent CCG guys...

Owl had left a while ago, sick of the boredom, he decided to look for the two ghouls; Irimi and Hinami, who in the end had no purpose of coming here anyway. Yoshimura didn't know that the two left to look for a bathroom and hit some night club afterwards, because rules are there to be broken anyway and because they had been sitting there on that freaking spot for months! You probably have no idea how it feels to be stuck in one spot in crouching position because the animation studio is preparing for the next season.

On the bright side for the CCG, Amon finally calmed down, better say, his colleagues attacked him with tranquillizers and decided to send him to some asylum for a while until things calmed down. Shinohara and Kuroiwa were released from their sexual desires and the humiliation of having an orgasm in front of their colleagues. That would be a few visits to the shrinks, also, they couldn't take their armours off, so they had to send an emergency crew to them.

Hirako checked his watch. "We have 3 minutes until this place breaks down and the evil king kills us."

Everyone else looked at him as if he had grown a second head, which to some of the nameless people was the case because they went into battle right after smoking crack. Man and their stuffed animal friends had told them so not to drive on the way or take a pit stop to make out with a wall near a snack bar. The CCG isn't that welcomed there anymore...

* * *

While the building continued to crumble a group of ghouls who didn't participate at all in the traumatizing battles, had their own battle to overcome... They were carrying or trying to carry... No, more dragging the too fat overweight gourmet ghoul known as Tsukiyama Shuu.

"I can't believe we've been degraded to fat carriers!" Banjou mumbled.

"I want my money back!" Friend number one whined.

"Dude, we're not even getting paid!" Friend number two answered.

"Does Ishida-sensei hate us that much?" Friend number three wondered.

"KANEKI-KUUUN! I'M HERE FOR YOU! YOUR SWORD UNDER YOUR PILLOW! WATCHING WHILE YOU UNDRESS!" Somewhere behind a computer screen, a Tsukiken shipper fainted from blood loss.

The big harmless tank ghoul tried his best not to puke and hoped he could erase the disturbing images that were about to form. "He doesn't need a diet, but a shrink and I probably too after I'm done with this..."

* * *

"Waaaahaaaa! My Yuka-chan! How dare that horrible brat kill the love of my life!" Marude whined in his safe war tank.

"Uhm Marude-san, shouldn't we worry about the investigators who are outside and pretty much getting killed."

"Screw those motherfuckers! Let that fat pig have them! None of them has ever provided me with the love and attention Yuka-chan could give me!"

"But... Yuka is your motorbike..."

The pervert glared at his subordinate. "How dare you insult my lovely Yuka-chan! You're not worthy of living! Leave this place and shoot yourself in the head!"

"But sir..."

"NOOOWW!"

The poor man said nothing and left the vehicle quietly. A few minutes later, several gunshots were heard, accompanied by agonizing cries from the pitiful investigator.

"When trash has to be thrown out, you do it now!" The man snorted and continued to weep while he stared at a photo of him and his motorbike on the beach. He was wearing a speedo and Yuka a bikini. My eyes...

"You looked so hot in that! And the sex was so spectacular!"

I'm almost choking on my own saliva here.

"You're just a shitty narrator! So start acting as one!"

Sorry Marude-chan, but my job is to explain and comment on certain important or ridiculous scenes and entertain the audience. If they haven't died yet. Next scene!

* * *

Ganondorf's tower *cough* I mean Aogiri's stronghold is crumbling. And our main protagonist only stares at the scene. His attention returns to his love interest who's still lying there unconscious, completely vulnerable and a perfect target for some perverted fantasies. So go on ahead Kaneki and knock yourself out!

"Couch couch. I'm still here!" Nishiki exclaimed.

Fuck, that's right... Can you maybe um take a walk or something, while... Hey, where the fuck are you going Kaneki! Come back an make out with that unconscious high school chick! ... Ass...

Now Nishiki is left with Touka... And he has no clue what to do.

"How about you tell me?"

I don't have a clue either, I'm just a bunch of written sentences...

* * *

By the way, what has Suzuya been doing?

"I'm dragging Jason's body with me so I can finally get a new quinque!"

Ah yeah, conveniently, Kaneki only ate the bones, skin, muscles and organs, so Suzuya got a free kakuhou attached to some slow regenerating cells and a stinking foot after he just walked around the place off screen and killed a bunch of ghouls. Gross.

"I need to thank the nice ghosts who gave this to me!"

Probably the deceased spirits of Yamori's victims. The manga-only mother and child and that useless couple from the anime that... Pretty much had no reason to be created since they didn't contribute anything to the story and only told lies to Kaneki. The person who was tortured before Kaneki, some old people, a transsexual, a clown I mean a real one. A ninja, samurai, sumo wrestler, one of Japan's previous ministers, Casper the ghost and lots of other unfortunate peeps. I guess they enjoyed the sunny scene of Kaneki beating the crap out of Yamori and cannibalising him. Karma is really a bitch. So Suzuya did all the awesome creepiness off-screen without any sign of how he exactly got his hands on the death body... Again, thank you Pierrot for your details!

"A new quinque!"

Please wash your hands after this, they probably reek of Yamori's feet.

* * *

Nishiki decided to figure things out on his own as he carried the still unconscious ghoul on his back. Is anyone wondering why the hell all that destruction didn't wake her up? He spotted Yoshimura with his back to the university student, his attention on something else.

"Manager? Where are Hinami and Irimi?"

The old man turned around. A frown present on his face as he showed the guy a note;

Hello Yoshimura-san,

I just wanted to inform you that Hinami and I left to look for a bathroom. We've been stuck in that spot doing seriously nothing and we got fed up with that, maybe we'll hit a club or something. Good luck with the episode!

Irimi & Hinami

"They ditched us!" The bikaku growled.

"They went to have fun without us..." The owl whined. "What a horrible episode, not only was I not able to show off my awesome skill. I had to listen to some middle aged man getting molested by Touka-chan's quinque turned father.

"Huh, wait, what?!"

"Don't tell her, please. Fans still speculate that he's maybe being used for harvesting."

"WTF?!"

* * *

 Walls, ceilings, floors, everything was crumbling, pretty much the same way as Ganondorf's castle in Ocarina of Time. The investigators, who were unlucky enough to be inside died one after another *cough cough* and those who were outside tried not to insult Marude or else they would be forced to commit shipokku. Not the traditional way, but the Marude way; shoot yourself repeatedly in the face until you don't feel anything.

Eto and Tatara kept staring at the building.

"We've been so useful here, haven't we?" The girl giggled.

"Yeah."

"But, the others aren't coming, huh? I wonder if they're dead. Tatara-san, how many do you suppose died?"

"About two hundred or so."

How the hell does he know? He has been sitting there on that pole the whole episode. Is he some kind of psychic?

"Ma~ybe! Well, for the sake of those two hundred or so, we'll have to do our killing too."

"... We could have prevented that or have fewer deaths if we just joined the battle."

"On the other hand, I don't feel very sad for their deaths. Nope let's just continue doing what we always do! I'm hungry by the way! Let's kill a government official next time!"

I wonder... What would the world be like if our leaders were ghouls...

Another super, super far away place. Old doctor Kanou was simply staring at nothing.

"... I have no idea what I'm doing here since my purpose in the anime has been completely pointless and my appearance here also!"

Kurona and Nashiro just stare at their lunatic daddy figure.

"Ne, Shiro, do you want to stalk onii-san for no apparent reason?"

"Sure, it's not like we have any other purpose here... Besides, boredom."

"Have fun kids! Make sure not to get killed! And if you run into creepy, crazy female-looking guys, run away and don't stand there like an idiot while your sister gets killed!" Kanou waves idiotically.

Well, that was educative and deep...

* * *

Yeah, the clowns/ Pierrot. I almost forgot about them. Currently, Nico is whining about the loss of his beloved (bi)shounen. Hahaha bishounen, yeah right!

"My sex nest is crumbling to the ground! Nooo, all the unsuspected hot guys and children! Damnit, Kaneki-kun and Ayato-chan are the only ones I haven't touched yet!"

"We are aware of your love for men... But don't abandon us. Guys aren't always what they seem."

You're also talking about yourself, you know that.

"Ah, anyway nee-san. You haven't been in touch with us since months!"

"Ah, I know, I know, I'm sorry for leaving the burden to you guys."

"Actually, everyone has ditched me. I've done all the work myself."

"That's probably for fault Koutchya."

".. It's Souta."

Wasn't that the name of the kid from the manga?"

"*sniff* no one remembers me."

No wonder your role has been very small and for now, very useless in the anime.

"Waaahaaa!" Soutya runs away like a whining shoujo.

Wait the kid's name was Kouto! Oops.

"Oh my, you're such a heartless person narrator-san."

Well, excuse me, princess.

"Well, at least, the plan went smooth." Homosexual two put on his mask dramatically. "For we are; Pierrot!"

Uta was just staring at the two idiots. "How did I get here without Renji?"

During the aftermath of all the crap. The two traumatized investigators continued to just lay on the ground until someone would arrive to get them out of their quinque.

"... We forgot to fight against the owl..." Kuroiwa stated.

"..."

"So what will happen afterwards?"

"... I don't know." Shinohara finally answered.

"I hope they'll get us out of these armours soon. I don't feel comfortable in them."

"When this is over... I'm going to remove it so this trauma will never happen again."

"Your wife will divorce you if you do that."

"I'm going to end up in a coma either way when this season is over and if she ever finds out what happened here, she will divorce me too."

"I forgot about that."

* * *

Smokey misty smokey misty! After too many scene skips our main character lost his way. He even forgot where he was planning to go, so instead he just walked around, still wondering why he felt so uneasy. He cracked his fingers repeatedly, but only so little relief came from that.

He walked past an unconscious Floppyman, who was still wearing his stupid outfit since his colleagues refused to touch that disgusting thing.

"... He looks familiar, but I don't remember encountering a hobo before..."

"FLOPPYMAN JUSTICE BEAM!"

... He was too crazy for Kaneki's taste to mutilate. So he walked over- uhh stepped on the body and continued walking.

"FLOPPYMAN!"

"... Apparently ghouls aren't the only crazy ones..."

How can an unconscious person talk?

* * *

 "The mission failed, and it's all that Suzuya's fault! If that brat didn't kill my lovely Yuka-chan! I wouldn't be a widower! My kids will never see their mother again!"

The whole CCG is quiet... "Sorry?"

WTF?!

On Marude's war-desk was a photo of himself, his motorbike and 3 mini motorbikes with the man's haircut... This world is seriously messed up...

"They take after their mother, aren't they pretty?"

Everyone else quickly left the room, before they'd say anything else and would be forced to commit shipokku. Some actually did that after seeing the weird photo.

"Bunch of noobs. Anyway... We may have lost the war... But we achieved our goal! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

* * *

Quickly back to the main character before it goes wrong! Mr not yet Centipede-kun stands into a super dusty place, in fact. It's too dusty, so he starts to cough and gasp for clean air, he accidentally swallows dust and makes him cough even more. Yup, he's completely lost, what's even worse, due to his lack of words I'm forced to do anything here! I'm supposed to make fun of you guys! Don't stand there as a zombie, following everything without protest! Be a real dude!

Eto appeared out of nowhere. It makes you wonder how she knew that he'd be there.

"Booo! I'm a ghost! Try to follow my lead and you'll receive something special!"

Maybe I should lay off the Zelda jokes...

"Boohoo behind you! Boooohooo the other side! I'm a ghost!"

After a few short seconds the girl left, freeing Kaneki from the sandstorm and the dust that made him cough.

"I don't see the point in this scene..."

Me neither, but I think she was trying to say something.

"Yes! I'm a gho~st!" Eto's ghostly voice repeats itself.

Smexy Whitey leaves just when it starts to snow, reminding us that it's December in the episode and thus, winter. Ah, time to get to the painful moment.

At that same time... Hide went back to his bike, as his automatic refilling popcorn ran out of batteries and he had killed all the crows he could kill... The duck hunt dog on the other hand... Got away. He also ran out of things to film.

"Fuck, I'm out of ammo also! I'll get that stupid dog the next time!" He looks back at the crumbled building. "Well, lucky me, I had the best seat, too bad I couldn't witness the confrontation between Kaneki and Ganondorf."

FYI, Kaneki totally beat the crap out of the pork king. He wasn't able to devour him or anything due to Pierrot's time and budged! But don't worry, we'll get another chance... Someday.

* * *

So, Touka was sitting against a tree. She heard from Yoshimura that Hinami and Irimi hit the clubs. Yomo apparently got lost after he and Uta got rid of the fatass ghoul, not that Touka knew about it, she just assumed they came from some annoying opponents and that was the story the two ghouls would be sticking to as for Nishiki, he apparently returned to being a drug user. She didn't even know he used drugs before. Were ghouls even able to consume drugs without puking their guts out? Anyway, she had to wait till the manager returned from finding Irimi and Hinami's current whereabouts. She didn't blame them, I mean they kinda tagged along for nothing, Hinami was only sitting there in a corner the whole time with Irimi, every person would feel useless and bored and run away. Operation safe the nerd became a complete failure. Or not completely, at least, he got out...

Out of nowhere the said person stood in front of her. There was a silence between them, mostly because Pierrot decided it was horny for the fangirls to zoom at his balls. Seriously, what's the point of that! Is the director some Kaneki home fanboy?

Check the episode again at 15.15. Especially the horny fangirls and boys who can't get enough of Kaneki. Go and stare at the glorious dick of the infamous centipede! Pierrot you are a perverted studio! Do you zoom in male lead's dicks in very anime? Or is it only Kaneki?

"Can we please continue on with something important instead of my gender organs?"

Sure, go ahead and dump your sweetheart.

Touka sweat dropped. "Ugh lets just get on with this..." She turns towards her love interest. His expressions really changed since last time, don't cha think?

"Shut up. And you! You do know that if you're going through with this there's a zero percent chance of getting laid with anyone! As if girls are waiting for a jerk who only keeps empty promises! So what's your answer?"

"..."

Now time to choose your response!

Here are your possible answers!

1\. I'm not going back to Anteiku. I'm going on a solo mission.

2\. I'm not going back to Anteiku. I'm going over to Aogiri.

3\. Let's elope together. The plot and your shitty brother can go to hell.

4\. Let's conquer the world. Ghouls shouldn't be suppressed the humans should!

"The first two choices, make more sense than the other two."

They fucking don't! Now choose!

"... Touka-chan... I'm going to take option two."

The girl raised an eye. "What the fuck is that suppose to mean?"

"I'm joining Aogiri."

There is a silence.

"So... You are going to join the organization who was responsible for your kidnapping, torture of the last couple of days and for beating up those you care about."

"Yes."

"And you don't question that?"

"..."

"What do you expect them to teach you? How to be an expert on tripping over bananas?" Touka snorted. "What the hell made you think that is a good idea..."

"The voices in my head, who call themselves Pierrot."

"..."

"Also... There is something I have to do and I think joining Aogiri will help me finding that out."

"What?!"

"Bye."

If someone should receive the award for being the biggest jerk ever it should be Kaneki. So Kaneki leaves while humming Let It Go for no apparent reason.

~furihajimeta yuki ha ashiato keshite

masshiro na sekai ni hitori no watashi

kaze ga kokoro ni sasayaku no

kono mama ja dame nan da to

tomadoi kizutsuki

dare nimo uchiakezu ni

nayandeta sore mo mou

yameyou

ari no mama no sugata miseru no yo

ari no mama no jibun ni naru no

nanimo kowakunai

kaze yo fuke

sukoshi mo samukunai wa~

Touka, being too lazy to get up. Just continued to stare. Yup, mission; safe the nerd was all for nothing. She and Nishiki got beaten up and had to endure all that crap for no reason at all since the guy left anyway. It made every shit they've gone through useless. "Why the hell did I fall in love with a crazy psychopath?"

The end... Of the chapter!

Almost at least, since I don't really feel to mention anything about Kaneki's random sudden costume change, seriously, how were they able to get him one so fast and where the hell took that scene place?

Anyway, we end with the half of the Aogiri higher ups, walking ahead, Ayato was glaring daggers at Kaneki, while he hopes the time comes where he can beat the crap out of him. Fluffy psychopath stared at his half- girlfriend's little shitty brother and cracked his finger.

There is that weird feeling again...

I feel like we're forgetting something...

"You think so?!"

Oww yeah, Banjou and the other's who still were carrying the obese ghoul... Glad to know you guys were able to get out.

"We almost died for fuck's sake!" Banjou growled. "Do you have any idea how hard it is to carry that fatass?! Even with 4 ghouls! I'm surprised we succeeded in getting out of that place undamaged!"

Well, that explains why they hardly appeared in episode one.

"Don't you dare to cut us off now! I demand a refund for this horrible treatment!"

Sorry, you have to complain to Pierrot about that! Till next episode/ chapter!

"NOOOOOOO!"

To Be Continued.


	2. Incoming: Le Floppygirl!! Plus Crap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Episode 2.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me if there are any grammar or spelling errors still present. It's pretty hard to find them all when you write such large chunks of texts.

Woosh

"Uaaaaaghhh!"

A nameless CCG member, who probably plays a more important role in the story, but still is nameless because I can't remember who the fucking guy is, falls dramatically on the floor because that's what failed feels are about lot's and lot's of drama.

"I'm Iba!"

Doesn't ring a bell.

"You heartless woman!"

Let's continue!

"Waaahaaa!"

So in this useless flashback chapter, The still not very creepy-looking Mado sits next to the nameless useless guy.

"Waahaaaa! So mean!"

You're supposed to encourage the man to get revenge, even though you've got the wrong person.

"We have the wrong person?" Mado asked.

Ehh?

"Then, what's the point of me being here? I'm off looking for the real murderer while my maniacal personality is still under development."

No, wait! Still sane Mado, come back and fulfil your useless role!

Shinohara just stands there like an idiot.

... Well, fuck the guy left... Fine, let's throw baby Arima in there.

"?"

You heard me, motherfucker! So, do some useful uselessness, I want to leave this flashback.

"... Alright..."

So the still bratty Arima arrived in all his glory and perfect chinness! His stoic cold character totally directed at the Yoshimura Owl... I mean the Owl Yoshimura. The two begin a starring competition...

Kay end flashback! About time... Let's go to the part that we all sorta care about! The present time at...

* * *

The CCG... Kay not what I expected, but anyway!

Aogiri raid was over and... It kinda failed drastically. It really makes you wonder about the CCG's competence.

Now all leaders and important losers had gathered to discuss the following important matters; the failed attack, their plans, the surprisingly high death rates within their ranks, Amon's behaviour, Suzuya's absence in the biggest part of the previous episode, the failed attempt to capture the King of Evil Ganondorf, the strange occurrence of Arata's malfunctioning and Marude's behaviour. But if course Arima wasn't there, because he found himself to be too OP to appear in front of a bunch of perverted noobs and because Ishida or Pierrot didn't allow him to come.

Special investigator noobs were gathered including, some random woman, Mario on steroids, the perverted bike lover, a shemale, a Vexen clone and the recently molested Shinohara and Kuroiwa along with some other noobs I don't care to mention and the bossy boss. He's Wasshu, I think...

Anyway, bossy boss sat in his seat and checked the computer. "So after our recent loss, Aogiri kidnapped another important government person. We don't really know what they're planning. But it's probably something big."

Or maybe they're just trying to taunt you.

"Yes, it's definitely something big."

Seriously, how can you be a ghoul's natural enemy? You're way too stupid.

"So, after they kidnapped the government officials they conquered a few wards too. Number 9 and 10.

"Mama Mia! If boy didn't slack off or if I wasa sent out we would have been eating spaghetti by now!"

"It's Marude and go back to your pipe plumbing, you failure of an Italian!"

Uhh, what did you say boy?

"Shut up!"

No way, Mario's got a point there. Besides, the only reason he started ghoul hunting, was because Peach told him to get a real job since Bowser is on vacation or retiring. Not sure which one.

"The narrator isa right!" The Japanese, Italian plumber commented.

"Anyway..." Boss boss said. "The point is; we lost, what I don't understand is how could we lose so many members. Marude, what did you do?"

"They were trash and too weak to live!"

"I know they're disposable, but do you have any idea how hard cloning them is? It's illegal and very expensive, it takes us months, maybe years! We can't mass produce in one go! They'll find out!"

"They insulted the mother of my children!"

"... You know, I know a very good shrink that could help you."

"Go to hell! I'm fucking done with this!" Marude yelled as the bike pervert threw random stuff and left the room.

The feminine boy blinked. "So, he ordered half of the squad to kill themselves... Why didn't you send me instead?"

"Have you forgotten the last time you went on a mission? Those ghouls almost raped you."

Shemale's eyes drooped in recognition. "Ow yes, I forgot how weak, I am."

*Snicker*, seriously, what's so scary about the CCG?

"Let's move on to another target; the evil King of the Gerudo Ganondorf, seriously, I expected you guys to be able to subdue him, what happened?!"

Shinohara and Kuroiwa were silent.

"Ow yeah, you two were molested so you couldn't do anything... and the sick bike lover left... shit, I'll have to wait for the report then."

Seriously, it's been like... how many days or weeks since episode one?"

"I have no idea, Pierrot never made it clear."

How the hell were they able to get the rights for the Tokyo Ghoul anime?

"Now concerning Arata..." Wasabi continued.

Shino and Kuroi shivered and felt like crying all over again.

"I know you two are still recovering and on leave until you're healthy enough to go back into action, but we need to discuss it. From the reports, you weren't able to take it off. Besides, you weren't useful for the Evil King either."

"It was horrible! I couldn't sleep! The imagine I kept hearing them repeatedly! The moans, the building, my orgasm! It was worse than reading a yaoi lemon!" Kuroiwa whimpered.

"I didn't dare to sleep with my wife all those nights! I have been seriously considering to castrate myself!"

"... Maybe we should shove this matter for later... How about Amon Koutaro and Suzuya Yuuzou. According to he reports and the news, Amon has become quite the celebrity and Suzuya has been slacking off."

"I suggest counselling for them." Random woman commented. "As for Amon, we have to promote him, no senior investigator would ever be willing to choose him as a partner, this way we can assign an idiot to him, who can't decline. The new partner, he/ SHE has to be a person who can keep him off our backs for a while. A serious and strict bitchy person, who is never nice to others and who we can dump our problems on..."

Washuu obtained a light bulb. "Ah! I know who! The perfect idiot! As for Suzuya, since Shinohara is responsible for the kid, he'll have to figure out something himself. Now the next matter, I've received a lot of complaints from some snack bars about our staff... Something about ravaging their walls and scaring away customers and attracting junkies..."

Everyone was quiet.

"Maybe we need to make the rules stricter here." Shemale boy commented. "A new etiquette and regulations about the behaviour at work."

"Smart idea Shemale! I think we should also test them to see how many of them do drugs and how stoned they are. We should probably also check if it's an after effect of the cloning. Now as a last note, I want to congratulate you all! Thanks to the hard work the road had been shifted and our beneficiary have provided us with more screen time! We've kicked the main character from his position! All hail Pierrot!"

"Yaaaayy!"

Who wants to join me in banging your head against the wall like Kaneki did in volume 14? What the hell is wrong with this show! They need a dictionary and look up the word; main character!

* * *

Ugh, I'm too tired for all this shit lets move on to something hopefully more meaningful.

Cups! Coffee cups! And Yoshimura, staring tiredly at his coffee cup collection. That party went on for too long I guess. The old man glanced back at his employees and the shop, which looked like a mess, even worse than Aogiri's base. Only the coffee cup closet was shiny and in one piece.

Puke on the floor, cups with water, coffee and blood on the floor, and other crap, it also smelled horrible. No one bothered to clean, though.

Nishiki is laying on the ground completely stoned and unconscious. Enji plays a game on his phone, Irimi is still out of it from the blood alcohol and the party, Hinami is trying to cope with her first hangover. Yeah, screw the rules! Ghouls are meant to break them anyway! And Loser/ Hetare... Also puking his guts out. Yes, we give birds alcohol! Btw, he really had too much sex last night, bird sex!

"Hmm..." Yoshimura mumbled. "You'd guess we have the cheesy, everything is fine, were back, everyone is finally happy crappy thingy that every anime has."

Enji looked up. "Well, after partying for weeks and neglecting me and the shop... You know you guys are mean. You never thought I didn't want to party with you? Not only was my screen time was, but I didn't get to have fun either!"

"You weren't there in the manga either," Irimi commented drowsily. "Besides... Didn't you clean the shop while we were gone? What else would you have been doing?"

"Uhh..." 

* * *

A few episodes ago...

"A new record guys!"

"Wooohoooo! Sucksucksucksuck!" 

* * *

"Just some very important meeting."

Which involved alcohol, getting drunk, gaming, making a mess and other crap.

"Shhh!"

"Seriously, you've been slacking off and you complain about us going to party all week after we were finally freed from that stinking place?" Irimi crooked her eyebrow. "Very smooth."

"Let's just call a cleaning business," Yoshimura suggested.

Anteiku is such an active and lively crowd!

Hinami and Hetaloser's puking sounds filled the room and Nishiki hit his head.

"The fuck you want!" 

* * *

Aa~t high school!

Touka is also struggling with returning from cool awesome party vacation back to boring school. She seriously was thinking of skipping.

"Touka-chan... Did you get into trouble again?"

"Nah, I just went to some party after I got back from a failed mission."

"Mission? Don't tell me you're some secret spy or something."

"... Uhhhh... No, it was just some work thingy."

"You work at a coffee shop."

"... Yeah, that's why!" Touka commented. "We, uh, had been on an expedition to find the best coffee bean ever!"

"Where?"

"South America..."

Party flashback!

"Sniff it! Sniff it Sniff it!" The crowd yelled while Nishiki sniffed the whole crushed coffee bean package through a straw.

Hinami and Irimi had apparently decided to crash a Maya theme party and the other Anteiku members who were present in episode 1 were also there. Great way to start using drugs four eyes.

"Fuck off! I'm high and I'm going to fucking enjoy it!" Nishiki yelled. 

* * *

Back to the present.

"Yeah, we went to visit the Maya ruins..."

"In 2 weeks?" Yoriko crooked her eyebrows. "You missed a whole week of class."

"You do know that the café was closed."

The blonde stared suspiciously at her friend. "You actually think I'd believe that?"

"Here I got you a souvenir," Touka mumbled as she took out some strange object from her bag.

"Oh my god! A real South American drugs thingy!"

"Actually, it's a Maya souvenir thingy."

"I'm sure people can use it for drugs, you know how South Americans are!"

Muchas gracias por su cumplimento. Mi familia te lo agradece...

"See even the half-Latin narrator agrees!"

Seriously Touka, your friend is even more stupid than the CCG.

"By the way Touka-chan. It was mentioned on the news that some hooligans vandalized the café where you work while it was closed! When I decided to check it out I couldn't believe the state it was in."

What the hell did Enji do aside from puking, drinking and taking drugs?!

"Ahh, well luckily I wasn't there."

"Yeah, it would be troublesome if your boss, colleagues or I had to bail you out of jail again."

"That happened only a few times!"

About... 18.995.634 times, seriously, you're worse than your brother. Does he even know that his sister is well known to the police as a delinquent? Maybe you'd have a better chance beating the steroids brat if you stopped eating Yoriko's food. I bet Kaneki would be proud if he found out!

"Shut the fuck up!"

Kay, Touka went to the bathroom to throw up more disgusting human food and to look as clean and normal as possible! Overhearing her classmates talking outside next to the newspaper board, thanks to her awesome ghoul hearing.

"Another ward got taken by ghouls."

"Yeah, but they're just the 9th and 10th ward, so as long as it's not near this ward it should be fine."

"Does that mean we have to evacuate sooner or later?"

"Yeessss no school!"

"Stupid, they could eat you!"

"Doesn't it sound disgusting? Eating humans?"

"What about cannibals and terrorists?"

"Stupid, those are humans, so it's not that terrible, ghouls are the monsters! They should die!"

Seriously, god, or whoever is responsible for everything, why the hell did you allow us to survive so long? Even dinosaurs are more respectable than killing cute innocent baby seals for fur! We don't deserve this life! Everyone lets help baby seals and other cute animals who deserve a future! 

* * *

CCG shit...

"According to our awesome accurate predictions, the next ghoul terrorist attack will be in the 3rd and 13th ward." President man concluded.

Loli boy blinked. "Does that mean that they're going to conquer Tokyo?"

"I don't know, but a lot of important people have been missing. Luckily, it's no one from our ranks so no need to look any further into it. But to conclude, we need every important strong member from other wards to protect those two wards and leave the others completely vulnerable for a surprise attack!" Washuu exclaimed proudly.

"Even ward 23?" Vexen's clone asked.

"Especially Cochlea! No one would be interested in a bunch of stinky ghoul prisoners. We got them all on anti-steroid drugs! They wouldn't be able to move even if they wanted to! It's the best prison ever, no one can escape from it, no drugs are accessible and we can have them starve to death because human rights don't acknowledge them as humans!"

Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this organisation?!

"So send your best people to the other side Vexen 2.0! And if you have any nobodies we could use, even better!"

"What about the thing with the owl?"

"After Shinohara and Kuroiwa's testimony, I can certain you that owl is probably leading Aogiri and back in action! We're professionals, so this is certain. We have to prevent last time's tragedy, for we are the good guys and the new main characters of this season! We can't let Pierrot down!"

I can't take this anymore, my stomach is going to burst! *:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:* evil is so present here.

After the boring meeting, the two molest victims left to visit their shrink.

"So, what do you think?" Kuroiwa asked.

"I hope I won't be humiliated in front of owl again. Never, I can never erase the memory, it's so horrible. My wife will divorce me for sure if this keeps going on!" His colleague cried.

"Yeah, I know, but... About owl... He seemed different compared to last time."

"Kuroiwa, this is no time to start wondering about your personal preference! He's a ghoul and we're still recovering from the trauma Arata gave us."

Those nerds have no idea that Arata is even far more damaged than those two combined after the incident. Btw, are some people going to support a new crack ship after this? Haha!

"Also, why the hell do you think he's different?"

"Well, I don't know... I know he's different, but I don't know what... It's like a feeling."

Gosh, love for a university student, love for a motorbike, and now growing love for an old man. This shit has almost everything! Now, what's the old man doing?

"Achoo!"

Except for sneezing.

"I get the feeling that someone is talking about me."

Yoshimura continues his tea with his imaginary friends.

"Couch couch."

I mean wife and daughter.

"Better."

Imaginary within parenthesis.

Back to the rape victims!

After exiting the elevator they bumped into our favourite crow killer!

Shinohara cringed. "Ah, don't touch me please I...! Oh, it's the new kid!"

"Yeah, low ranked part-time delivery boy who has to do all the crap here."

"Thanks..."

The two men stayed quiet as they saw something on the ground. Kuroiroi decided to pick it up. "You dropped your... Gun?"

"Oh yeah, I was chasing the fucking dog!"

"Dog?"

"It kept laughing at me! So I've tried to kill it ever since but I keep missing. THERE IT IS!" Hide yelled as he swiftly took his gun and aimed it at the duck hunt dog. Again miss and the dog laughed again.

"Dammit, that fucking dog! DIIEE!"

Like that, our university student ran after the dog while continuing to miss.

The whole building decided to hide the moment our Hide appeared on the scene, shooting randomly with no exact aim.

"Was it a good idea to hire him? How is he able to carry a weapon here? Who even hired him in the first place?" Kuroiwa asked.

"I heard it was Seidou. He actually needed someone to take care of his pineapple when he has to go out.

Ah, to pineapple/ ghoul or not to pineapple/ ghoul, that's the question!

"A pineapple sitter?"

Yup yup! 

* * *

Scene-skip! From happy to gloomy and crazy!

White fluff ball standing in a blood-stained room, staring at a messed up not completely covered window thingy. We don't know why. Behind a... um table, a puny human was trembling from fear. You could say he was close to peeing in his pant... Oops, too late.

Kaneki stared at some dead body he had been munching on. I wonder if it's an Aogiri member or a human. Of course, he noticed the puny human, but the gorilla on steroids just entered the room and fluffy hair's attention switched immediately to the boy. That weird feeling was back again.

"Shut the fuck up bitch and you stop fucking staring at me asshole!"

Wow, Ayato really loves me and don't worry, you probably remind him of Touka-chan! *snicker*

"Go to fucking lunatics hell!"

Kaneki-chan, Ayato-chi is mean to me!

"..."

Seriously, after you turned emo, you became less fun! Let's go Ayato and get wasted in some club!

"..." O.o "What the hell?!"

So, after some staring, contemplating, twitching and finger cracking, Kaneki left first and Ayato well stayed behind. He noticed the disturbing smell of pee and headed toward the source.

"Did you piece of shit think that I wouldn't notice? The shitty eyepatch may not have cared about you, but I won't allow you to..."

When the child got to the human, the man had already died of a heart attack, pants completely wet.

"Could you stop making fun of me?!" 

* * *

Kay, we have arrived at the CCG... Again. Ugh, seriously Pierrot is so evil!

You'd imagine seeing Suzuya playing around with his stitches while Seidou watched him in boredom... Well, WRONG!

Nope, our lovely investigator was watching confused and curiously while Seidou, who just returned from his vacation in South America, enjoyed the presence of his recently acclaimed girlfriend...

Piña Colada the pineapple.

"Aren't you adorable? And cute and pretty, beautiful. The best a man could ask for!" The not yet crazy turned... No, wait, different universe, sorry... Ah fuck it, this story has already a lot of Re and pineapple references. The plain boring investigator squealed like a shoujo character.

Seidou and Piña Colada met in Kali Colombia when the guy was enjoying the market of the beautiful South American city. Sure, he was robbed and almost kidnapped by the FARC before, but just when he thought his life couldn't suck anymore, they robbed him of almost all his belongings, except for his quinque and some money he hid. So after meeting Colada his vacation became a lot brighter. Hell, he didn't even need to visit a Colombian drugs dealer to feel better.

"Aren't you going to eat it?" Suzuya asked curiously.

Piña piñata lover froze and quickly shot a glare at the boy. "Don't you dare to insult my beautiful Colada!"

"But it's food..."

"Silence!" Seidy-chan pointed his finger menacingly, but his expression quickly dropped into that of a crying boy. "You're a meanie! Waahaaa!"

Right at that moment, another probably forgettable person named Hoji entered the room, Seidou ran out crying with his girlfriend in his arms. What a lovely couple! Okay, they're now on my top 3 TG shipping list!

Plain Japanese man blinked a few times. "What happened?"

Our cute white-haired investigator just stared at the door. "I want to see how humans have sex with pineapples!" 

* * *

After the long wait, Floppyman returns! ... But as the 'hidden' identity of Amon Koutaro.

"Kitty stuck in a tree; saved! Toilet from the lady next door; unclogged! Blind man who dropped his groceries; helped! Married man who visited a prostitute; send to the hospital without his testicles! This week had been a successful one for; FLOPPYMAN! But incorrectness of the last period hasn't been solved completely, for I have gotten; A RESTRAINING ORDER! Against my superiors, who tried to stain the pure image of the innocent with their inappropriate lust behaviour! Ghoul Rabbit who killed you is still free! And the lover Eyepatch has disappeared since the first meeting! But fear not! All the injustice in this ward will be cleansed, so superior Mado-san's grave do not worry! For I, FLOPPYMAN! Will keep order in the wards of Tokyo, for I am; FLOPPYMAN!

Let's do a little game, if you can count correctly how many times Amon says Floppyman in this chapter, you'll win a prize, ah, but you have to answer after reading this for the first time. How will I notice if you don't cheat, we'll the reviews and repeatedly similar answers say enough. (-_^)

"FLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMANFLOPPYMAN!"

The CCG had appointed him to attend mandatory psychiatric sessions but guess what. He hasn't attended any one of them.

"Justice has no time for self-help!"

Maybe they really need to lock him up.

Enter a bitchy but surprisingly pretty woman; Mado Akira!

*Applause*

THE FUCK, UGLY OLD MAN HAS A PRETTY DAUGHTER?! That was my first reaction.

The moment Akira noticed Floppyman in front of her father's grave she froze. "Shit, please don't let it be who I think he is..."

"FLOPPYMAN!"

"I hate my life. Better get over with this and pretend I don't know him."

"You!"

The blonde froze. Well shit, he noticed.

"You seem awfully familiar."

Or not.

"I was Mado-san's last maid."

Floppy Amon blinked. "Mado-sempai-san had a maid?"

"Age and stuff..."

Akira quickly bucked in front if the grave and placed the flowers down. After this, she should better resign and find a job with a lot of sane persons.

"Wait!" Amon yelled the moment the woman was about to leave. "You! Mado-san's grave never had a maid! Maids are signs of slavery and the injustice of the world! Mado-san was a great example for those who seek justice! Liar! And you have Mado-san's eyes!"

"I hate this idiot!"

"You're my new subordinate!"

How the hell does he know?"

"FLOPPYMAN knows everything! Since you'll be my subordinate, I'll have to train you to become the perfect; FLOPPYGIRL!"

A piece of Akira's soul died. "What?! No way in hell!"

"No need to be shy! It's an honour! Now let's start the preparations!" 

* * *

Yeah... anyway, after some horrible costume moments, the duo returned to the base, I mean CCG headquarters.

"Higher-up-san! I have met; MY PARTNER! FLOPPYGIRL! I'll be starting her special training immediately!"

It was quiet in the room. Hoji just stared, completely speechless. Suzuya was eating some snacks and staring at his stitches and Seidou was dragged back into the room with his pineapple, he was still sobbing and hugging the fruit.

Our plain Japanese special class investigator cleared his throat. "So as I was saying; Shinohara-san is unable to attend any meetings. So I'll be replacing him for a short while." He turned towards the only female in the room. "Now boobs, I mean Akira, would you please introduce yourself?"

Short blondy glared at the apparent pervert but did as she was asked. "Mado Akira, second class investigator. I'll be stuck with you for the rest of this season, but I refuse to work with that lunatic."

"I'm sorry Akira, but the decision of the higher-ups is absolute. We need someone to keep him in check."

"I'm his subordinate, how the fuck do you expect me to do that?"

"With your bitchy attitude. I know Pierrot toned you down for the sake of the children, but I'm sure you can figure it out."

"Fuck Pierrot!"

Ditto!

Seidou, for the first time, looked up and glared. "Why the hell does, she gets to be Floppyman's right man? I'm much better for the job! I respect Floppyman, he's my hero!"

It's not enough to have sex with your fruit... Now you want a threesome with the lunatic garbage can too?

"Don't insult Piña Colada or Floppyman-sama!" He glared at Akira again. "I don't like you!"

"It seems like you've finally fallen from the ladder of humanity, investigator Takizawa. Starting a relationship with a fruit, how low."

If looks could kill... Then, I'd be dying from laughter. "Grrrrrr!"

We would expect that Amon would be curious about this... Wait, no Floppyman only cares about his justice and Suzuya was trying to imagine how the man would have sex with the fruit. For now, it looked very uncomfortable and weird.

"Now," Hoj-man started; "During the badass meeting of the losers, we concluded to start chasing Owl and Aogiri, a small group of people will go after Ganondorf. Since one of Aogiri's ghouls; Centipede...

Dude, you're a bit too early to use that term.

"Kay, let's call him... Fluffy white X!"

How professional...

"Fluffy white x has been spotted for the first time... Nowhere..."

Oh yeah, Amon was unconscious at that time. ROFL!

"Sooo, since we don't know with what ward we should link him... Let's just say he's from... Ghost town! No, let's just involve the 20th ward, since it's way too peaceful and we need an excuse to disturb the peace there and Pierrot wants us to!"

Akira sighed. Why did she decide again to work for these idiots?

"Fluffy white X is one of the higher ups, so ward 20 is probably some sort of second secret law for backup or other stuff. We are sure about it because we are professionals!"

"So, does that mean that the Binge Eater is part of Aogiri too?" Pineapple lover asked.

Hoji blinked. "Who's the Binge Eater?"

Oh, yeah, Pierrot cut Rize out of the script!

Seisei checked through his reports. "Ahh, a ghoul, maybe?"

"Wasn't it the person who won last week's eating contest? It's all in the newspaper." Higher up-kun stated as he showed a newspaper with a fat guy and a trophy on the cover.

Akira sighed. She should bring the CCG the glory is should have, or, at least, has in the manga. "Pierrot may have written that ghoul out of the script, but I haven't forgotten! I'm going to prove it by showing what a know-it-all, I am, by proving everyone wrong! You idiotic losers! The 20th ward has the lowest kills for 10 years. Well-known terrifying ghoul gangs have disappeared and the amount of deaths and doves patrolling that ward had extremely decreased until the Binge Eater came! Since then more people have died, but after a few months, it suddenly stopped. It means one thing; there is a ghoul organisation in the 20th ward who keeps the ghouls in check!"

"... Aogiri?"

"Could you stop thinking about Aogiri for once?"

"What about the Gourmet?"

"... I don't know." 

* * *

Tsukiyama is busy with his water aerobics classes since it's almost impossible for mister fatso to move at all and only water can make it easier. But he never learnt how to swim, so he's just splashing there like a moron.

"Kaneki-kun, save me! I'm drowning!"

Splashing in shallow water... While Kanae is holding him with the swim stick thingy.

"Shuu-sama, do not fret! I, Kanae von Rosewald, will save you!" Splash!

I might remind him that he can't swim either.

"Shuu-sama, help me, I can't swim!"

"Kaneki-kuuun, I, Tsukiyama Shuu am in trouble.

Banjou just sat there on the sidelines, filming everything. "YouTube is going to love this!"

Really not only is Tsukiyama an idiot, but his servants are as stupid as him. How the hell do you drown in a baby pool? 

* * *

Back to the CCG.

Hoji was frowning, eyebrows frowning and his chin on his hands. "So, if it's not Aogiri, then another ghoul organisation is keeping the daily kills at a minimum. Alright, let's move on!"

"What?!" Akira stammered.

"What? If they keep the deaths at a minimum, isn't it better for us? Besides, we only care for Aogiri, any other small organisation that doesn't appear to our reader can be dealt with anytime. I'll speak with the other special class investigators when I have time."

"Fucking ass!" 

* * *

"Akira, you're training has officially started! Now, as FLOPPYGIRL, you have to wear your costume to hide your secret identity!"

The blonde glanced from her book, annoyance all written on her face. "Do it yourself. I'm busy with work."

"Justice has no time for work!" He grabbed the woman and dragged her out of the room. "Your first mission as FLOPPYGIRL will start now!"

"I decline!"

"Justice cannot be declined!"

"Can you shut up about your stupid justice speeches?!"

"Never!"

Time to look for a gun and shoot yourself with it.

Akira bit Amon and quickly ran away.

"Don't think this is over! Justice never rests!" 

* * *

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

Amon and Shinohara had been staring at each other for quite some while. Amon sitting on the floor, like a typical Japanese, while Shinohara was in his bed. He felt nervous, mostly because Amon wasn't sticking to the restraining order and because the man was scared that he'd be beaten to pulp again. But well, now that nothing had happened in the past 27 minutes, he relaxed a bit.

"Uhm, so, Mado's daughter is your subordinate."

Amon nodded.

"But she refuses to work or have any contact with you."

Another nod.

"But at this rate, you won't be able to fulfill your missions or work."

The CCG has work?

A third nod.

"And you want my help?"

And another nod.

"... Hmmm... Ah, how about you invite her out to eat!" Date. "Once you both had a few drinks and talk it out, I'm sure you'll come to understand each other." Get her drunk and knock yourself out with her. "I know it's your first time, so lot's of things will be hard." Having sex for the first time is always awkward. "But it will all work out." After you passed the stage of awkwardness and foreplay, you would be too horny to feel anything else! "... Could you please stop twisting my words?"

What are you talking about? Those are Pierrot's or Ishida's lines.

"... Ugh, I'm leaving..."

So the trauma man decided to leave his own room, leaving his colleague alone to ponder over the words.

"... So, am I supposed to have dinner with her or sex? But, that is not JUST?! I'm confused!"

So the confused Floppyman decided to look for his new partner to see if he could find a way to get along with her.

"Mado Akira!"

The woman flinched and looked at the guy. "I refuse to wear a stupid costume."

"That's not what I came for! As colleagues, we have to get along! So how about this we could get some dinner together or you can choose to have sex with me!"

The room was quiet until the sound of a punch and the cry of a man filled the building.

"I'm going to file a complain!" The woman growled as she walked away in fury.

Floppyman was laying on the ground, clutching his balls in pain. "But... it was Pierrot's advice... what did I do wrong?"

The moment Akira left the building Hide walked by. The man was taking a break from hunting down the annoying dog. When he spotted the lunatic, idiot he stopped and sat on his knees. "What did you do? Insulted some woman?"

"I tried to... strengthen... my bond... with Akira..."

"... Hah..." The happy blond stood up again and continued to walk. "Maybe my next paper should be about the competence of the CCG..." 

* * *

Night had finally arrived in Tokyo and now we're going back to the supposed to be female heroine of the story. She was waiting for her friend after the two had a long study session at the library. Or better to say, Touka decided to go outside the moment Yoriko suggested having lunch hours ago. Yoriko had her terrible cooking in her back and Touka just came up with the lie that she had a coupon at some restaurant. The blue-haired took hours playing wack the mole at some arcade. Mostly because she had to release her bottled up frustration.

"Touka-chan where have you been? You left for 5 hours!"

"... I, uhh, had trouble with some delinquents..."

"WHAT?! You're okay, right? Yes of course you are, they haven't beaten you, or raped you or anything?!"

I think they were a nice snack for Touka-chi!

"I'm alright, it was close to the police office."

"Thank goodness! Btw, why do you want to study all of a sudden? I remember not long ago you said that studying was for nerds."

"Yeah... but, well... university and things..."

"Whaaa?! Have you decided on a university already? Wow, that's quick, I mean we're still second years! Which one?"

"Kamii."

"WHAT?! But you called it a nerd school!"

Wouldn't that apply to any university in Japan?

"Ugh."

"I knew it! It's because of your nerdy boyfriend! Don't worry, I'm totally shipping you two!" The human squealed.

*snicker*

"Uhhh."

"He seems sweet, gentle, smart, definitely a good influence! Ah, but I bet he'd have to be careful with the increasing crimes here!"

* * *

Let's have a little look what the ex-nerd is doing currently!

*crunch, chomp, rip, crunch, chomp, rip, crunch, chomp, rip*

Oww yeah, he decided to eat his own kind; half of his kind... Ghouls!

*crack*

Yeah, he definitely lost it. 

* * *

"Yes, you two are the perfect couple! He's probably the ideal boyfriend!"

"... Uhh." The ukaku ghoul didn't answer.

I'm not so sure either...

"By the way, have you checked out Kamii already?"

"I don't need a turtle."

"Not a turtle silly, but the university!"

"Ahh, no, it's not in my script yet."

"Wait, but, don't you want to spend more time with your boyfriend?"

"He's not my boyfriend and I'm kinda pissed at him at the moment."

It explains why she was drinking herself full at the party and completely wasted. Luckily she woke up in a cosy room with no one witnessing the girl in black, lacy, sexy underwear!

"You had a fight? What did he do? Cheat on you?"

I doubt Kaneki has that word in his dictionary.

"Let me fucking talk!"

Sorry...

"Let's just say we had a disagreement."

"A disagreement, what do you..." Yoriko's smile turned into a smirk. "Ah, I see. Well, it can't be helped, a guy has to respect a woman's opinion."

"A woman's opinion? What do you...?"

"Gotta go Touka-chan! And don't give up! Make sure to make up with him before someone else takes him. Not that I think people would see anything interesting in a nerd, but I'll be rooting for you!"

Blonde human runs off without letting her friend finish. Oh my, what a dirty mind.

"Don't you have anything better to do?"

As I said the previous chapter; I'm just some written sentences. 

* * *

Now we skip to our tragic emo fluffy hero, making himself some coffee in an empty building. You wonder then, what the hell? Is that Aogiri's headquarters? Yeah, well it started a few weeks ago...

"Here, this is your new living place..." Ayato commented bored as they stepped into the empty old, neglected building. It was kinda falling apart.

Kaneki looked around, not sure what to think of it. "Is this it? Aren't there any bedrooms."

"The sleeping quarters are this way."

Within seconds they arrived in a narrow hall with a lot of doors, they stopped at the end of the hall and the blue-haired male bitch opened the one in the corner; it looked like an empty closed, but with even less than a normal empty closet. "This is your room."

Silence...

"... It's so... small..."

"Well that fucking animation company didn't think very far ahead, so only Eto was provided a proper room since she's the only girl. Everyone else sleeps there. If you want a bed to steal a futon or something. My room is across yours, but don't even think of bothering me!" 

* * *

Kay back to the present. So because Kaneki's room was too small to put any decent furniture he had only a futon, stolen from some shop and a few other tiny things; a rabbit doll, giving by Touka on a random occasion when she arrived drunk at the shop. A clock, because every room has one. A book corner, also stolen from a shop and a few posters with Touka in different kind of costumes and OoC posters. Every guy is a pervert inside. Good thing Ayato doesn't know.

Anyway, instead of being in that small cramped place with the lecherous posters for his own fantasies, he was trying to make coffee. It was lonely, boring and cold. If you didn't know better, you'd think he looked pathetic, then again everyone in this story is pathetic. Fluffy fluff head sat down and took a sip from his coffee, after 2 hours of peace Kaneki was at his... the how maniest cup? Anyway, after a long time the coffee cups stacked like crazy and a drunken Ayato entered the room or better say barged into the room while breaking the poor door. What did that door ever do to you?

"No one asked you something bitch! Now shut up about your fucking lifeless objects!"

"You're going to hear from my attorney!" The door cried, as it ran away, feeling as hurt as the banana had felt.

Well, at least, that party really was amazing and I can't believe how much that kid could drink.

"I...!" Before the ukaku child could finish his bitching he immediately ran towards the window and started to puke. Ironically, some random Aogiri noobs were standing right underneath that particular window, so they were showered in the younger Kirishima's puke!

"Hey? What gives, which idiot is puking on me?!"

"GO FUCK YOURSELF! I'M YOUR FUCKING BOSS!" Another wave of puking!

Centipede-kun only stared from his seat. "How come you're not drunk?"

I'm not allowed to drink from my doctors, due to my medications. So instead, enjoy the memories of seeing the other idiots wasting themselves and makes a complete fool of everyone and themselves!

Ayato kept puking on the idiotic ghouls on the lower level who started to complain and say things like: Ewwww! Until they ran away and the blue-haired brat slumped to the ground, eyeing the white haired colleague of his. "You fucking annoy me so much!" A pause to heave some more. "Don't even think I would allow you near aneki!" More heaves. "Stop staring at me, you fuck!"

*Crack* I know right, little Aya-chan looks so breakable.

Ayato didn't hear the finger cracking nor felt the change of attitude, as he returned to puking his guts out. "I, Kirishima Ayato! Am the fucking boss of the party! No shit can beat me!"And the puking continued.

Kaneki decided to no bother as he continued to sip his drink, right at that time, a random grunt entered. He froze when he saw the odd scene.

"Uhhh..."

Fluffy psycho finally finished his cup and stared at the lower ranked weakling.

"We're supposed to have a mission right now... Also, I found Ayato-san's party sunglasses. Did he go out again?"

"Gimme that you shit!" Hormone boy growled as he grabbed his awesome sunglasses and continued his puking spree, but now with sunglasses, so he would look cooler.

Well, at least, the noob got his suspicions confirmed.

Right at that moment Aeri... I mean Eto entered. She was as puzzled as everyone else, but the puzzlement came from the sunglasses. "Why is he still wearing those stupid sunglasses?"

"Shut up, they're not stupid, they're awesome! You're just jealous!"

"He's drunk again, isn't he?"

Only the noob gave an answer with a nod.

"Just drag him with you. His drunken state may come in handy. I'm off selling some flowers in the slums!"

For those who don't know, Eto is voiced by Sakamoto Maya; Aerith's voice actress.

So, Kaneki grabbed Ayato by his leg and dragged him like some meat sack; while the younger boy kept cursing random nonsense, including him disagreeing with Kaneki and

Touka's marriage. 

* * *

Now with Team red...

Yoshimura just arrived at the coffee shop, being happy that he could finally open his shop again and imagining how energetic and cheesy his employers would be. Instead... he found Nishiki sniffing pot, Touka sprawled somewhere on the floor, Hinami letting Loser fly around and poop the whole place under, Enji bragging about his past achievement to no one in particular and Irimi... nibbling on some dog bone. The old man didn't know what to say, what was worse; Itori, Uta and Yomo entered. Itori with wine, Uta wearing a Cloud Strife wig and Yomo... just Yomo.

"What's the wig for?" Yomo asked.

"Not sure... I suddenly felt like... I had to join some Eco-terrorist gang or something..."

"Do the catchphrase do the catchphrase!" Itori squealed.

Uta posed, crossed his arms, made a gloomy expression and his voice deeper. "Not interested..."

"Holy fuck that was like!" Enji stammered. "It sounded really like Cloud himself!"

Maybe that's because they share the same voice actor.

"I even got a mask!"

More squeals from the crowd.

What about Hinami's mask?

"Oww yeah, here's your poor animated mask." Uta says as he threw the thing to Hinami's face.

"... Thank you?"

"CRAAAP FUUUCKKK LOOSEER LOOOSERR LOOOSSSEEER LOSSSERR!" 

* * *

So after like... 50 stops of having Ayato, emptying his stomach and like 3 hours of travelling... Team Kaneki and Ayato finally arrived at their next destination...

A few trucks and cars were passing by at a super slow speed. No wonder Aogiri didn't arrive late.

The lower noobs neared the cars first and from afar the two twins were watching.

"... Ne Shiro... do we even have to be here? I feel kinda overrated here."

"Me too, but according to the script we have no life..."

"Well, they probably know what they're doing. Papa will probably play a bigger role after this!"

Whoops. 

* * *

Now... Eto was in her luxurious room, taking off her bandages and collecting the flowers she was planning to sell. She's naked guys! Time for some drooling and perverted fantasies!

"Ah, ridiculous drama effect for the noobs who haven't read the manga! Btw, my hair is green and I never wear underwear!"

To be continued!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kay, that was chapter 2!
> 
> More plot holes of the anime were covered and more faults pointed out!
> 
> It took me longer than chapter one, despite its shorter length, but it's still a long chapter. No music references this episode, but a lot of different other references. Ganondorf is still out there since Kaneki didn't eat him! And we don't know what he'll do to the unsuspecting city of Tokyo! The CCG people are after him, but seeing their competence, I wouldn't get my hopes up!
> 
> I wrote the majority of this chapter this morning and Wednesday, hah, yeah, but I started the week before.
> 
> Thank you for reading this and be patient for the next chapter! What secret plots and scenes will be revealed next? Will 'Cloud' and 'Aerith' ever meet? Stay tuned!


	3. Special Chapter: OP & ED Cracks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Parody of the OP & ED of √A.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyway, this special chapter, was requested by Rinka-chan on Fanfiction.net, who wanted a crack version of the opening and the ending.

**Munou**

Let's start with this sorry excuse for an opening!

It's symbolism, but not everyone gets it.

Kaneki is naked, or half naked, we don't know, sitting in a room staring out of the window, seeing shit happening everywhere.

Because Pierrot decided to animate only his head and part of his bare shoulders, no fanservice for us. Weird you'd think after episode 1 they'd show more Kaneki fan service, perverts.

We want Ishida's fan service scene.

"Could you please skip the embarrassing parts?"

Anyway, Kaneki wants to go back to the past.

When his weak mom was alive and he trapped in some womb city

Easily life, cuz babies don't do shit.

His dream ended when he grew up, started drinking paint and got high.

He began to see colours like a hippie on drugs,

then Rize decided to molest his naked body and put on his mask, why? Idk.

Hey, look flowers! Kaneki felt so lonely that he entered a relationship with some toys.

I guess that's what you get from drinking paint.

His madness escalated and he turns into a psycho, killing innocent bratty kids.

The old people would be happy with the peace.

Now Touka starts to molest him, or was it Hide? Maybe both, they take off Kaneki's mask and fight over it.

Kaneki sees a random prostitute, who suddenly spits fire and burns to death...

And the next day he swore he'd never drink paint again.

"Maybe, you should stay away from the paint."

Now he cries red blood because of his messed up eye and because he knows how screwed up this show is.

"... I want to leave." 

* * *

**Kisetsu Wa Tsugitsugi Shindeiku**

Now time for more depressing moments! But it's less torturing since Ishida-sensei drew the cards!

Anteiku! CCG peeps, the effing clowns, Aogiri and more I think. Love the cards!

Now Kaneki is trying to write a poem to his old self.

Which will result in making Kuroneki depressed and probably consider suicide if he ever reads it!

I would do that or think that at least after reading such depressing lyrics and even worse, watching the anime.

Way to go Shironeki!

Now there is a small reference to the manga where Kaneki stares up at the moon and realises how corrupt our world is. Nothing new actually.

He also believes that his suffering and loneliness will make his friends happy and safe.

Bullshit.

Our depressed protagonist only wants a hug from his fans :)

While he keeps mumbling about how weak his past self-was.

And the shit that happened to him.

And how he has to keep suffering for everyone's sake

(Seriously, didn't you learn anything?!)

Did I mention already, that the whole plot of Root A was pointless?

He's supposed to be the main character, but nope. He didn't get any development and like 5% screen time.

No wonder he's depressed.

As of now, his only medicine is probably getting laid.

And so the seasons are working again properly!


	4. Le Retard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Episode 3.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had changed so many parts of this chapter because I wasn't satisfied with it. I also lost my story while writing. I was so horrified, good thing I had a backup version on my [parent's computer, I could rewrite the whole thing immediately! So for those who have an iPad/ Pod/ Phone, download Wondershare Dr. Fone for iOS. Make sure to have your stories written in notes, or else I don't think you can recover them, or have a backup send to your email. Or download word and paste it there. I do all of those, just in case.
> 
> What I like about AO3, is that it's much easier to upload chapters from our IPad, at least, the long chapters. I mean look; 11k+ words for this damn chapter! It's like a new record. Not true my record was like... 26k words for one chapter, double the amount of this chapter and I ended up splitting it in half because c'mon 26k equals to 60 pages on word. Yeah, I think many people would be too lazy to read that. XD Anyway, this is the longest chapter I wrote for an anime parody. I'm proud of it! Sure it took me about a month and a half to write it, but it's so worth it!  
> s get on with this, I'm hoping this chapter isn't all too sloppy, some part were written while I was on coffee. Damn caffeine makes me so restless, but also happy! Coffee 4 ever! When I'd want to give to try Yoshimura's and Yomo's coffee!

Night had arrived in the city of Tokyo. You'd guess that some people had some bit of respect to stay quiet for those who wanted to rest, eat, or play video games in peace, but noo. Sirens were annoying all the citizens in... Uh, I guess one of the wards. Pierrot had never specified which one, so let's stick to, ward 23! Cars and all were on their mission with their thingies and shit, just to signal to every idiot that they were on their way, transporting something very important so that they could be mugged easily by criminals. Good job CCG!

What they were transporting was a very strange and weird ghoul. Who, at the moment was crying and lying in fetus position like a baby.

"Waaaahaaaaa waaahaaa! Mama aniki! I want my milk bottle!"

I don't think I can keep my laughter any longer. *chuckle*

... I guess the sirens were on to mask the cries of some baby.

"Waaaawaaaa! I want a storytelling for my bedtime, mama aniki!"

Good thing the drivers and every other person present were wearing earplugs to shut out any noise, others had their iPods on max volume. Which made it unable for them to hear anything, and thus they'd accidently drive over random people or animals.

On the bad side; Aogiri; or better say, the gorilla and our 'supposed' to be the main character had been... Let's just say, the group continued where they had left off the last time. Since Ayato was still struggling with his hangover, some of his underlings decided to use it to their advantage. They allowed him to puke from over the bridge, right at the moment the idiotic investigator people drove underneath so that they would go blind.

Alright, Ayato! Show them what you've got!

"Fucking bitch! Don't even think that I'll...! Ugh... Blaaaargh!"

A waterfall of puke flooded over the cars.

"Fuuuuuuuuuck yoooooouuuuuu!"

The bad CCG drivers were too busy playing Grand Theft Auto to notice anything. At least, we know why there have been so many car accidents in Tokyo. He's, the CCG is very professional.

"Ugh, fucking policeman, get hit by my car already!" Random CCG driver 1 grumbled. He decided to get a drink when he noticed that the window was covered in puke. "Huh, what the?!"

His car crashed in an instant. Soon after, his other colleagues crashed into him. Look at how nice karma is when you try to kill a virtual policeman with your virtual car. Of course, the guy died instantly. Some of his colleagues were less lucky.

So to summarise, a new traffic accident occurred and Aogiri just stood there on the sidelines, watching how things got worse like a domino effect.

"Agghhhh, the whole place caught fire!"

"I can't feel my legs!"

"I'm fucking bleeding, man!"

"I can't find my PSP Vita!"

"I can't die yet, I need to erase my browser history before the cops find it!"

... Why hasn't anyone of them asked for help?

Ayato kept puking on the sidelines, while Kaneki... Just stood there, completely motionless, mostly because he didn't know what to do and secondly, his mind was too occupied with that nagging feeling. He was also wondering if this happened often whenever Aogiri went on a mission. Also, Pierrot turned him emo.

"... So boss, should we...?" Aogiri grunt 1 asked.

"The majority seems dead... Or at least mortally wounded." Grunt 2 commented.

"The van with the order is burning... I hope it's not too damaged or the others will not be happy about it." Number 3 mumbled.

They all stared at our white-haired protagonist, who didn't respond. Too emo, I guess.

"START ATTACKING ALREADY, YOU BUNCH OF MOTHERFUCKERS!" Hormone teen blue yelled through his puking. "AND YOU TOO, FUCKING EYE-PATCH!"

So, they finally decided to make a move, with Ayato, who was slowly recovering, behind them. There wasn't much to do since the food was lying in front of them, like a lunch buffet or something. The lower ghouls started to collect it and for Ayato and Kaneki, they met with two hooded figures.

"I still don't know what we're doing here, Shiro."

"I don't even understand why we've revealed ourselves, Kuro."

Ayato snorted. "The funk you want?! We're busy with a mission, so scram!"

"I don't like him."

"Me neither."

"Hah?! The hell you mea..." The two twins lunged themselves at Ayato and completely ignored Kaneki. They showed their rinkaku kagune, which was identical to Kaneki's. The white hair fluff man, however, showed no signs of being surprised since Pierrot killed his emotions. So he just stood there, again. Watching, while Ayato was having a one on two fight with the suspicious twin ghouls. They must be very important characters if they suddenly appear from nothing! Pierrot has probably planned something big for them!

Whoops.

The pointless battle dragged on until Kurona and Nashiro got fed up with their pointless actions and stopped. "I'm bored, Shiro..."

"Me too, Kuro."

"This isn't worth the low pay."

"I agree."

With low pay, they probably meant that Pierrot doesn't pay them anything. Makes you wonder why they allowed being used like that.

"Just because we're leaving, doesn't mean that this is over, brat," Kuro stated coldly.

"Wha?! Who's fucking brat here?" Ayato snorted arrogantly.

That would be you since they are older than you.

"No one asked you, woman!"

So, the twin left, leaving the blue gorilla irritated and confused, while Kaneki didn't give a shit. He was still eyeing the boy with a weird expression.

"The fuck are you looking at?!"

*crack*

Now that the pointless plot twists have left, Aogiri could finally focus on their main objective. Truth to be told, the twins made them forget about it until an annoying cry brought their minds back.

"UUUWEEEEHWAAAHAAAUUUU,"

"Someone shut that fucking baby Goron noise up!" Hormone brat yelled. He turned toward Kaneki. "You've been standing there doing nothing the whole time like some creepy retard! Go make yourself useful, you dumb shit!"

Kay, maybe they still don't remember.

So, Kaneki headed over to the van, which was, surprisingly not as destroyed as the others. The stupid noise came from there. When our 'main character' was about to open it, the doors slammed open, and squishing our unstable protagonist, if it wasn't for his 180-degree personality change and ghoul reflexes. Anyway, the sight left everyone almost speechless, in a bad way.

"Mama aniki!"

Enter the childish more brain damaged than Kaneki but in a different ways ghoul: Naki! Yamori's underling!

"Uuuwaaaa mama!"

Or in this case... His not so biologically retarded child... Or whatever you want to call their situation.

Kaneki blinked and took a better look at the van, on the sides you could read: baby daycare transportation. That brings up questions. Time for some explanations! Naki had been captured by the CCG! No surprise, of course, considering his low IQ. They decided to leave him at a daycare, since he has the mind of a baby and because he's too retarded to be used in Cochlea. So they dumped their problem in some human daycare centre. Sadly for them, Naki is too much of a bother and unpredictable to be taken care by some useless inexperienced humans. He went a bit wild; chewing on the kids' toys, doors, walls. He even ate the food, before throwing up in the playroom and even ate some workers and babies. In the end, they had decided to move him to the coast, where they could dump him in the ocean. How professional.

"Ugh, fuck no." Ayato groaned. "Why the hell, do we have to pick this dork up?!"

"Waahaaaahhaaaaa!"

The retard went nuts and started to attack randomly. The boss duo was able to dodge him easy, but they kinda hit their heads against some fallen platform. What a mess up for a chance to look badass.

"Stop fucking messing with us!"

"Aaaaahaaaaa! Lucky! My ass hurts! I want to burn for mama!"

God, don't tell me Yamori had sex with this retard.

"My body burns! It's too hot mama aniki! I want mama aniki!"

Kaneki had enough experience in dealing with Anteiku's weird group of misfit delinquents, but apparently, Aogiri had weirder members.

After some unorganised movements, Naki hit himself with his kagune and knocked himself out cold. Bluehead and whitehead stared awkwardly at the unconscious idiot until the weird dumbass farted and shitted his pants/ diaper.

"Yuck, why the fuck am I the one, getting these shitty jobs?!" Ayato complained. He turned his attention to two ghouls who had also been in the van with Naki: Gugu and Gagi... Or whatever their names are. You could call them Naki's playmates or something since their IQ was rumoured to be lower than Naki's or maybe a bit higher, we're not sure.

"Your two dumbasses! Go, carry that shitbag to the base and don't you dare to dump him near my room!"

You mean closet.

"Shut up!" 

* * *

Let's go back to the group of misfits called Anteiku's, to be precise, Touka's home! Hinami was busy with reading an instruction booklet her psychiatrist had given her. But, since the girl was still practising her kanji, she had trouble with reading.

"It is.. Required to... Keep a journal... And anon... And... And.."

And annotate.

"Thank you!" The girl exclaimed. "The more detailed, the better. Any di... Disturbing dream... Should be written down as soon as possible. Try to visit some quiet places to... Med... Meditate and clear your head." Hinami let out a sigh. Wow, this was harder than she thought it would be.

"How is your reading going?" Our lovely, pretty, not delinquent ukaku ghoul asked.

"Ah! I... Uhm... Fine, I guess!"

"I see."

"Nee-chan, Takatsuki Sen will be holding a book signing tomorrow. A bit odd, because I thought it would be during the summer. The again with all the confusing coming up..."

"Do you want me to come along, or do you think you can handle it by yourself?"

Hinami was pondering about Touka's offer. She didn't want to go alone, since she knew that she wasn't up to it yet after everything that happened, but then again, there was some nagging in her mind, telling her, she could handle it and that she somehow would be a burden, by going to a book signing session and that spending time with those you care for is bullshit. "I..."

'We interrupt this program for an important message or two. More wards are under attack by Aogiri and a mysterious rain of puke cause an important daycare van, under the care of the CCG to collapse and explode. We're not sure about the details, but it appears that some delinquents have been fooling around there. We've asked the CCG for further details on the van's purpose and destination, along with info about a possible perpetrator. This is what special class Washuu answered: "don't worry, everything is under control. We're professionals! We're currently investigating this carefully and in no way has this been the fault of our staff. They're trained very well and focus 100% on their work! We're 100% percent certain that Fluffy white X from Aogiri and his gay buddy: blue-haired hormone guy are behind this!

Seriously, I can't hold my laughter anymore!

On another more important notice; the world is still confused about the exact date. Governments from all over the world have engaged themselves in useless fights, considering what month it is. Even in schools, teachers and students are fighting. While one country believes it's March, another one says it's February. Until further notice, all holidays and free days have been canceled.'

Touka quickly turned off the TV. Her hate for the CCG hadn't diminished at all. On the contrary, the behaviour of those idiots made it only worse and now there won't be any holidays for the students?! That was beyond unfair. Hinami, on the other hand, was struggling with something else.

'Look, look, they mentioned him again! Don't you think it sounds naughty? There is no need to worry, you're not even blood-related. Listen to us: Pierrot and start having your fantasies about Kaneki. You know you want it.'

The small girl gulped. "Nee-chan, I think, I'd appreciate your company tomorrow. Please come with me."

Our tomboy blinked at the sudden change of demeans or and desperation in Hinami's voice. "Uh, sure... As long as you help me out with the order. They'll arrive tomorrow.

And so, without any further ado, our blue-haired, continued her second step with dealing with her frustrations for the ex- nerd's assholish actions. By distracting herself, speaking about her distraction. There is a funny story behind it. Since things were starting to go downwards for her, the girl became more frustrated and angry. We all know how that she can cope better with anger than sadness if we all ignore the increasing beatings, she gave to the idiots who annoyed her, she started to eat more too. Because we all know what women love to do when their emotions are running wild. We eat our problems away. One day when Touka got back from killing a human for a snack, she found out that she accidentally set her secret storage shack on fire. Luckily, her food came out crunchy, scatheless and roasted. Both Hinami and Touka tried it out and found out that it tasted delicious. The ukaku ghoul had finally found a snack that ghouls could eat and it was healthy too. If only we humans could have such privileges and thus, Touka's and Hinami's small business was born. The official sales and introduction of their product would be tomorrow and Touka was very excited. 

* * *

"A delivery for a Kirishima Touka!" A familiar mailman announced.

Irimi was watching curiously as Touka appeared to receive her order. "That's me." The girl answered.

"Alright, can you please sign this?" The man asked.

Touka obliged as she turned to look at the stacks of ghoul snacks. "Mister, can you help me with moving this to the basement?"

"Sure, this isn't the most dangerous or suspicious thing I've done anyway. At least, I'll come back with a clean uniform for once."

Irimi just stared bewildered at the scene when Yoshimura appeared.

"Do you know what's happening here?"

"Yes, Touka-chan asked if she could use the café to promote her product. I agreed on the condition that's she'd cooperate more and cause less trouble. Increasing her criminal record won't do her any good."

"Kay, but why is she starting a business?"

She wants to become successful and rub it in Ayato's and Kaneki's face. A woman's anger can last forever, we never forget! And she probably wants to conquer the world with Hinami and overthrow the CCG with money and fix the season/ time crap that Pierrot caused. How does a woman come up with such a complicated and smart plan?

"..."

"As long as Anteiku or the 20th ward don't suffer, I don't mind," Yoshimura commented. "It will be good for the shop if you think about it."

"Actually, I only want to drink," Irimi admitted.

"I just want to brag about my awesome strength about being a great devil ape!" Enji commented, who was sitting somewhere in a corner and had listened to the whole conversation.

Right at that moment, Hinami entered. Wearing some weird hat and a green coat with... Further and a yellow ribbon. Who the hell chose such a horrible fashion style?

Touka's eyes grew wide. "Where the hell did you get that ugly thing from?"

"From your closet." The girl answered confused.

"Huh, closet? But I don't have anything like..." The girl bumped her head, as she realised something. "Ugh, of course. I forgot that my stupid brother had once this weird phase in his life where he was wearing weird coats..." 

* * *

Flashback! Smaller Ayato and smaller Touka! Touka just caught him when she entered his room, planning to ask him something about the recently broken TV! Now there's an awkward silence.

"... What the fuck are you wearing?" The girl asked as she felt the urge to laugh at him and take pictures.

Ayato was wearing that ugly green coat with the hat and ribbon, along with some sunglasses. The guy had tensed, frozen on his spot until his brain started to function again. "Shut up! This is my room! I'm the boss, I'm the king, this is my territory, so if you think that I'll... Put that fucking camera down! No please, wait, Aneki! Don't reveal this to my fans! I beg you, nee-chan!"

* * *

Touka was silent for a while, making everyone wonder if she was alright and not too broken about Kaneki until she burst into insane laughter and fell on the ground.

"Maybe Touka-chan needs to visit a shrink too," Irimi commented.

The younger ghoul's eyes lit up at the thought. "We can go together!"

Enji gave Yoshimura a puzzled glance, the old man just laughed, praying inside, because he felt like his ideal image for his café was finally coming true, and that it hopefully would last longer than last time, with those unpredictable misfit workers of his, you'd never know. Touka just continued laughing like a maniac, while sending insults about how much of a faggot her brother it.

Somewhere in Aogiri Ayato started to sneeze repeatedly and felt a chill down his spine. He didn't know why, but he suddenly thought about the strange collection of clothes he had left in his room and he hoped that his sister would never remember them. Ahh, too bad for him. 

* * *

When Touka calmed down, she and Hinami were finally on their way to Takatsuki Sen's book signed. After Hinami finally changed into clothes, more proper for her age. Seriously, what 13-year old walks around in a coat that a 30+ would be wearing for work or whatever. If that was Pierrots idea of having a 13-year old female ghoul blend into human society, then I'd advise them to hire more female workers. No matter how much of an adult Hinami wants to be, she still looks like a loli. Let her wait until Re, when she finally grows some books and an expression as depressing and Kaneki's.

Anyway, they were on their way to the signing and the brunette stopped when she looked in the mirror.

'Why did you have to listen to them? You're your own person.' A voice whispered in her head. 'You looked perfectly okay in those grandma clothes. We Pierrot know best.'

Hinami froze when she looked at her reflection. She was staring at some stuffed animal clown with a creepy grin. 'We know you want it Hinami. Incest is totally okay!'

"Onee-chan, can we hurry... I think I need to visit the shrink again," Hinami exclaimed.

"Huh?"

* * *

So back at Anteiku, with 2 misfits less Anteiku had become quieter and Irimi, finally had time to enjoy the quietness and get that spa treatment she always wanted.

"Wuzzup bitches!" The closet drugs addict Zelda fan yelled.

Or not...

Irimi sighed in disappointment, yup as long as she's afflicted with this organisation of weirdos, she'll never get the chance to go on a long hot spring/ spa vacation. Being her probably sucks a lot. "Nishiki-kun, why aren't you at your university... You also seem slightly less stoned than yesterday."

"Ain't no bitch telling me what I am and what I'm not! I'm as fucking high as I can and want to be!"

"Your girlfriend found out, didn't she?"

"She threatened me that I'll be dry for the rest of the year if I didn't lessen my drug use and went to rehab!" The bikaku Zelda otaku sniffed. "I don't mind lessening my drugs, but sex, I need to have sex with her!"

I wonder if those drugs destroyed parts of his brain cells. His PMSing more often than a woman would. It's hard to understand men.

Irimi sighed. "Tell me about it... So why aren't you at Kamii?"

"I don't know..." Nishiki admitted. "I felt like I had to be here somehow... Also, I think the plot tells me to take shitty Touka to Kamii for a tour..."

"Too bad for you, Touka-chan left with Hinami for that book signing, a few minutes ago."

"... I thought Enji-san would be going with Hinami."

Right at that moment, Enji's head popped up from behind some chairs, for some reason he was wearing dog ears. "I do?" He asked surprised. "Where does it say that?"

Nishiki and Irimi stared speechless at the ghoul. Yup Anteiku really needs concealing. After episode one, no one seems to give a shit, except for Yoshimura.

"Are those..." Irimi started. "Mine?!"

"Huh? Ah, I saw them somewhere on the floor and I thought that you didn't need them."

"Get your own fucking monkey or cat ears or something!" The woman growled annoyed.

"But monkeys have no ears." The man whined.

"Yes, they do." Nishiki pointed out. "Depending on the kind, some are visible and some aren't."

"... Ooh..." Enji was quiet for a while. "Imma keep the dog ears on for a bit longer!" He exclaimed excitedly.

Another silence befell on the shop until Irimi cracked and began to beat her colleague into a pulp while Nishiki backed away silently not wanting to get caught in the bloodbath. That would be another cleaning job for the Anteiku members if they're not lazy to do it. 

* * *

So... there's some empty plot hole, since Touka didn't stay at Anteiku and since Nishiki had no idea what to do he decided to sniff some drugs in an alley, to be accurate he was sniffing paint, very strong paint, right then Touka and Hinami passed by and an awkward silence filled the area.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"You'd dare to use drugs in front of Hinami?" The ukaku ghoul asked him in a dangerously low voice.

"... I'm fucking older than you! Respect your elders bitch!"

"You don't seem to act like someone older than me asshole!"

"Says the person who plans to conquer the world by selling some snack!"

"All great plans start small!"

"The only reason you're doing this shit is because you want to get revenge on your stupid brother and boyfriend, who dumped you!"

Touka's answer was a punch in Nishiki's face. The guy fell to the ground, whimpering and holding his bleeding nose.

"If you want to make yourself useful, wait outside until we're done! I'll kill you afterwards!"

... Wait... So... Are we going to skip some scenes?

"Hell no! I'm not like Pierrot! See it as some..."

Holy fuck Nishiki is bleeding to death?! What the hell did you do to him?!

"Wait, what?" Touka turned quickly to her colleague, to see her colleague lying in a pool of blood.

"Nishiki-san!" Hinami yelled.

"Fuck... Hinami let's carry to some place!... Ugh... Hey narrator, transition... Uhm Thingy... Help us out?"

... I guess this chapter is going to make one hell of a turn... Fine, fine... Narrating, writing powers sent Nishiki and those two to the next convenient location... Transition change! 

* * *

At Kamii's nursing office...

"You've got to be kidding me!" The ukaku ghoul growled.

Don't blame me, blame Pierrot, they made the overall plot of the anime, by ignoring the majority of Ishida-sensei's suggestions. I'm just screwing with the bullshit they've pulled.

"I'm not even sure if I'm allowed to be here," Hinami mumbled. "Am I going to miss the book signing?"

Probably not. I bet for a million yen that Takatsuki Sen overslept or something.

"Alright..."

"... I... Need... my Zelda 3DS XL..." Nishiki mumbled.

Hurry, one of you! Go look for drug addict's life energy before he dies from blood loss!

"Ugh, this story is making less sense by the minute." The high school girl mumbled as she walked off, reluctantly searching for a crappy game console. Of course, she never went to Kamii, so the chance of getting lost was too big, too bad for her. She realised it too late. "Son of a bitch!"

So Touka got lost in Kamii. Deciding that she didn't give as hit about Nishiki, she just went to look for the exit, not that it was easy to her sense of direction, she was losing her patience and was on the verge of doing something stupid, until she bumped into a posted with a picture of a familiar smiling nerd.

"The fuck are you laughing at?! We're having a better time than you, so get that fucking smile off your face! You couldn't do shit when you came to Anteiku! Got bullied, molested by creeps! I bet you still are having that problem!"

Maybe Touka also needs to visit a shrink... Talking to a poster...

"Ugh, shut up!" She yelled, grinding her teeth and glaring at the innocent poster of the pre-psychotic Kaneki. The blue-haired girl blinked a few times stared at the poster again and an idea popped up. A grin spread across her face as she looked through her bag and took out a black pencil. Yup, she definitely needs to do something with those bottled up feelings of hers.

After Touka finished, she stored the pencil away and looked proudly at her 'masterpiece'. A moustache, nerd glasses and other weird shifty things were drawn on the nerd-Kaneki poster, along with insults like; nerd, furry, virgin, readers can imagine any other funny and humiliating things.

"Gosh, they're at it again."

The girl flinched, panicking on the inside at the thought of getting caught, so quickly spun around. "I did nothing! It was already there when I passed by!"

She just has to have the luck to bump into the ex- nerd's best friend Hide, who was somehow wearing a large gun. Yes, do not show any weakness towards the creepy friend of your crush! 

* * *

Let's spoil the excitement and go to those creepy CCG guys!

Seidou was supposed to deliver some files to his higher ranked partner; Houji, but he decided that making out with his pineapple girlfriend was much more important. So, the idiot was still waiting for the still human lunatic to return with the files. Hah, he'll have to wait a super long time for that!

"... I bet Seidou is just having some difficulties with finding the necessary information."

Somewhere further away inside the CCG building, Suzuya was trying to listen in to the pineapple lover's make out session and hoping to get a glance at how humans and pineapples had sex. For now, he had to do it with the moans, groans and other noises.

Back at Houji...

"I bet he'll be back any moment now. There is no way that he neglects his duty and forgot about me."

Five hours later...

"It won't take long..."

Three more hours.

"He forgot about me!" The investigator started to cry. "I feel so neglected and abandoned! Why is my role so insignificant! Mother was right! A circus clown would have been a better job for me! Then I'd get the attention and love I need!"

Or people will scream and run away, demanding restraining orders. We all know clowns are a billion times scarier that ghouls.

"... I don't wanna live anymore! Weeeeee!" 

* * *

Back to Touka and Hide!

Awkward silence on both sides, mostly Touka until Hide raised his gun and shot. A dog's 8-bit laughing was heard in the background.

"Fuck, I missed again! Fucking SNES game animal!" The blonde yelled.

"What was that for?" Touka asked.

"Stupid dog from episode one refuses to leave me alone!"

"So you walk around with a gun and no one complains?"

"Students are protesting with weapons in universities anyway, so what's the difference?"

Point taken. No one seems to care about anything anyway.

"So is this the scene where I have to reveal all of my best friend's secrets and embarrassing moments to his love interest? Or was it later on?" Hide asked as he stored his gun in his hammerspace pocket.

Does it actually matter? Everyone lost their grasp of time, thanks to Pierrot's screw up.

"Kay!" 

* * *

A few hours later...

"And then he couldn't sleep at all he was literally glued to me for days! Do you have any idea how embarrassing it was for me? We had to shower together, go to the bathroom together, sleep. I couldn't even go home and see my unarmed/ unmentioned parents. Who probably wouldn't care because they're not even present in this show. Try to imagine how it is, waking up in the middle of the night and see your best friend making out with a pillow. My favorite banana pillow was ruined!"

"... How... Old where you guys at that time?"

"Thirteen, why?"

"... No reason..."

"Did you know that his first and only girlfriend was a real banana?"

"..."

"He was like 7 when he introduced me to his banana!"

Dude, Hide. You do know that you're repelling her from Kaneki.

"But, how else will she understand him better?"

"Belief me, I'm even more confused about Kaneki than before," Touka admitted. "And kinda creeped out."

"No, you can't!" The blonde male yelled as he grabbed Touka by the shoulders and shook her frantically. "He deserves a girlfriend, after being alone all the time, except some bromance with me! You're his only chance at some hot sexy time with a hot chick! You're the only one who can probably get him out this fucking weird depression thingy he's in for years! You're the first chick he has shown interest in years!"

That sounds so wrong and disrespectful and again people completely forgot about Rize.

"What about his family?"

"His dad died when he was four and his mom died when he was ten from overwork. She had to work a lot to cover all the costs herself. And that fucktard, shitty, married aunt of Kaneki tried to leech off of her too draining her all of her energy. During his middle school and high school, he was abused by that fucktard. Don't worry, she's dead now, I heard. Died a few weeks ago... Or was it months... I can't get a grasp of time anymore. Anyway, her body was ripped to pieces, the head served, spat out and smashed against the corner of her living room. There were bite marks all over the body and chunks of flesh taken out, but it was all also spat out and thrown into the living room. It was probably some kind of hungry insane hooligan."

Or an unstable fucked up half-ghoul...

"Anyway, I heard the police just threw her in the ocean. Her son died of cancer when Kaneki went to live on his own and her husband was raped and mutilated by some homo haters. He looked really gay and feminine. Back to the point, since Kaneki was the only closest known and alive relative... and missing, they had to just keep it simple since we know the police won't do shit when it comes to finding missing persons or items unless their jobs are in danger. So, yeah, they threw her in the ocean for the sharks to feed. At least, she was useful, for something. In other words, he's completely alone!"

Wow, now that must be a very big bite to Touka's conscious. There goes her revenge plan.

"I see."

"But, you Anteiku guys are part of his family! That's what he told me one day and how he treasured all of you. So, I guess things still ended up peachy for him. Let's just hope he'll turn up with a smile on his face and with a big cheer announcing he's back and apologising for leaving us. After beating him up, of course. Now I gotta go, that dog doesn't kill himself!" Hide announced as he gleefully jumped on his bike. "By the way, he is his own lying detector, he touches his chin when he lies or hides something, so if he ever cheats on you, you know how to catch him! Toddles!"

Touka just stood there, staring speechless while Hide left on his bike. Shooting with his gun peacefully around the place, missing the dog and hitting a lot of innocent people. The dog kept laughing while everyone screamed in pain and agony.

Touka wasn't so sure anymore what to think, about Hide or Kaneki. Silence fell in the university, aside from the students who were still present, the awkwardness felt like one of the wild-west movies, she had never seen. "... What the hell?"

"Onee-chan!" Hinami called, as she ran over to her current useless guardian.

"Hinami? Weren't you supposed to be with that worthless shithead of a junkie?"

"His human girlfriend came and started to beat him up and scold him about his addictions. Then his Nintendo 3DS suddenly came falling on his head."

"So I did all this shit for nothing?"

It's not like you did anything to help him.

"Shut up! Go back to writing or narrating or whatever!"

Meh. Going back to listening to Akatsuki Arrival from Miku and Luka.

"Look who's the useless one now?"

I'm at least providing my reading with a good laugh and piling hospital bills because they lost it. 

* * *

CCG!

It was passed dinnertime every street was empty until an investigator came out of a hospital building, slumped shoulders, face glued to the ground and an aura of emoness surrounded him. It was the neglected Houji. Due to Seidou abandoning completely for sexy time with a fruit, the not so important probably later forgotten investigator had to do all the work and investigation alone.

"Too high blood pressure... I knew it, I'm going to die and no one cares!" He sniffed.

Okay, forget about work they never work. So, Mr. emo dragged himself to his house, until he spotted Suzuya peeking into an alley. The man raised his brow curiously, wondering what the odd young investigator was doing there. "Investigator Yuuzou why are you?"

He swallowed his words when he came closers and hear me sing and groaning from a voice he knows all too well. "What's that noise? OH MY GOD SEIDOU!"

The pineapple lover froze in his action and slowly turned around to his shock, he saw the crazy Suzuya with a camera in his hands and his superior staring like a snowman, completely white, more like he saw a ghost. Seidou's pants and boxers lay on the ground while the young man was holding Piña Colada against the wall doing who knows what with it, with his little-censored soldier.

An awkward silence was between them. "Get the hell out of here! I can make love to whoever I want!" The investigator yelled. "And get rid of that fucking camera!"

Suzuya ignored him and continued to film in fascination while Houji turned around quickly and threw up the contents of his stomach. What a great day for the CCG. 

* * *

Back to Touka and Hinami, after a long journey, they finally arrived at the signing session, which was cramped of course, to Touka's dismay, but luckily for Hinami Aeri... Takatsuki Sen was late. Today was probably labeled as the suckiest day for her while Hinami was too busy with losing her mind to the voices and crying internally.

"Sorry for being late! Selling those flowers took me longer than I thought it would be! Also, some people blew up the place so, I had to take a detour!" The green haired novelist yelled as she came dashing through the hallway. "By the way, if anyone wants to buy a flower they're only 1 Gil I mean... 300 yen!

I wonder where she is selling those flowers, Midgard?

"About time, I've been waiting here since last week!" Nameless fan 1 murmured.

"I've been here since Monday."

"I work here."

"My grandmother died five days ago while waiting in this line."

Crazy fanatic fans! You have them everywhere!

"Greaaaaat for you all! Takatsuki cheered. "Now let's start the signing, shall we?"

So, the waiting had finally ended, to Touka's relief it was finally Hinami's turn. So, they could get a signature and get over with it.

"Oh, how cute a couple."

"What?!" Touka yelled.

... The hell?

Takatsuki blinked. "... Or... Not?"

"Do we look like lovers?!"

"Strange, I swore the next one would be a couple or something..." She mumbled. "Are you sure you're not dating?"

"Do I look like a lesbian?"

...

"Don't you dare to make any stupid narrator jokes!" The girl threatened.

"You never know what's inside the box," Takatsuki exclaimed.

"Just because I don't follow the stereotype doesn't mean I'm into girls!"

I bet all the guys would still be turned on if you kissed a girl.

"Shut up!"

"So, what should I write?" Takatsuki turned to Hinami. "Does your girlfriend also want one?"

"For the last time, we're not lesbians!"

"Uhm!" Hinami interrupted.

"Ah, I almost forgot, what's your name?" Takatsuki asked gleefully.

"It's Hinami..." The girl mumbled uncomfortably.

'Oww, lesbian sex, haven't thought about that before! You should try it! Try all new things, since Kaneki is not here, go turn your love obsession to Touka-chan or maybe a threesome with that sexy author! We Pierrot know best!'

"I can't hear you! And I won't listen! I don't want a threesome! I'm a perfectly normal girl! Sensei said so!"

The green-haired woman gave an odd glance at the girl. "Sorry?"

Shit!

Touka sighed in exasperation and face palmed. So for the normal day.

"Ehh..." Hinami started to fidget with her hands, clasping them together as tight as possible. She trembled frantically until she couldn't take it anymore. "I'm sorry! I'm an abomination, a taint to this society! Forgive me Kaneki onii-chan!" The girl started to cry and ran out of the building, leaning both older girls perplexed at the sudden outburst. An awkward silence spread around the room.

"Uhm... So..." The ukaku ghoul started awkwardly. "I'll deliver the book when she gets home. I'm sorry for that, she's going through a tough time..."

"It's alright, I've seen stranger things." The woman replied. "Don't you want a signature?"

"Nah, I suck at reading and it's boring."

"How about your boyfriend?"

By now Touka had the urge to throw herself in front or something or beat something up. She was seriously getting. Tired of this. "Don't have one."

"Alright, here ya go and thank you for coming!" Takatsuki waved. "If you want a flower they're normally 300 yen, but for you and Chan-Hina I'll make it 1 yen!"

The teenager stared confused at the woman, giving her a stare as if she had gone mad, which is what every person would think in any given situation when someone you didn't know wanted to sell you something for such a super cheap price. She wondered if there was a catch or maybe poison or something. Or maybe no one wanted the flowers and she had to get rid of them? "... Fine." She finally said after a long silence and pondering. The girl looked through her pockets and took out ten yen. "Ten please.'

A bigger smile crept on the author's face. "Enjoy your day!"

Touka left as quickly as possible, partly because she didn't like books and because Takatsuki Sen was creeping her out for some reason. The biggest reason for because she had to find Hinami before that girl would get herself or others in trouble with those weird voices.

Takatsuki stared at the ghoul until she was out of her sight. "Hah, that was interesting. Who would have thought... She really does look like the most reasonable and smart out of the two. This is going to be in my memo!" 

* * *

"Hii Seinapple!" Hide greeted as he walked into the room, carrying some heavy packaging. "You know that I'm completely neutral about personal preferences and whatever shit people do in their free time, but could you please make your personal private orders at home and not send them to work? A lot of people have given me this weird glances because of all these weird sex toys I've been carrying. I have a reputation to uphold!"

Seidou just kept his eyes glued to his computer, his pineapple... Was right next to him, undisturbed, since after the incident with Suzuya and Houji, no one dared to come closer to touch it or get even close to it. "No one even cares what others order or do, besides, I don't have any sick hobbies with toys. The great floppyman-sama asked me since his ungrateful partner refuses to listen."

"Is that why I saw the police here four times this day?"

"... The first time was because Houji-san filed a complaint, for some reason against me and Suzuya. I can understand Suzuya, I mean what sick bastard films a make-out session of two other individuals!"

Pineapples, are individuals?

"No one asked you!"

Hide looked over the pineapple obsessed human. Frowning opinion seeing the computer screen. "Pineapple porn?"

Everyone has their strange 'hobbies'

"Aren't you supposed to work?"

"Houji-san and I are supposed to work on the Centipede case."

"Centipede?" Hide blinked in confusion.

Oh, wait, this isn't the manga!

"Who cares!" Seidou grumbled. "Fluffy X White guy or whatever Washuu called him."

"Kaneki?" The blonde asked.

"Sure, if that's the new Codename they gave him."

God the CCG is really stupid.

"Anyway," Seidou continued. "Houji-san had to stay home today for some reason. Something about a depression, who know, I'm sure he's fine." 

* * *

A few kilometres away the depressed investigator was cutting himself with a knife. He wasn't really good at it, so he tripped, bumped into his old heavy cuckoo-clock, which of course landed with full weight on top of him. That's going to leave some bruises and scars.

"Even suicide isn't working for me! Why do I have such misfortune?! I hate my life! Waaahaaaaa!" 

* * *

A quick scene skip: back to Seidou and Hide.

"Anyway, I got kinda bored, since I didn't see the point of looking at the recent articles or pictures of the guy. I'm not into men."

So, he decided to masturbate with pineapple pictures, since he got a restraining order for performing any sexual activities during work hours or at work. As if that isn't disturbing.

Hide kept quiet and stared at the hidden files under Seidou's erotic fruit, magazines and fruit porn sites. It didn't seem like he was putting any effort to find the blonde man's friend not that Kaneki needed to be found. His friends already knew his whereabouts. His mental state is another story, but episode 1 already gave away how that's going. "Well, enjoy your job!" The man said cheerfully.

Seisou frowned. "Don't you usually shoot randomly around the place? What happened to your gun?"

"The police confiscated it. Apparently PETA has been complaining about something like animal abuse or something. The officer told me they wanted to shoot me and cover me in blood, but they got sent out of the country and for my own safety I am not allowed to carry a weapon in public."

"But you work for the CCG. You need a measure to protect yourself."

"Yeah... The police apparently, don't know much and called the CCG a terrorist organisation."

I can't blame him, they've been terrorising Japan's society with their lack of motivation and ignorance.

"I'm just a part-timer anyway, so I don't have field missions. Small chance to get killed by ghouls!"

... My head hurts.

"Not as much as mine." Akira's voice was heard behind the two men.

Hide and Pineapple-kun turned around to stare at the blonde woman, who seemed like she hadn't slept for days.

"Mado-san!" Hide greeted. "Wow, you look worse than shit."

"Of course, I do, I'm working for an organisation filled with retards, whose morals keep dropping by the minute." She mumbled.

"I heard you've been hiding from Amon-san."

"I try to, he keeps finding me somehow."

It's probably because he hid a sensor in your underwear some days ago.

"... That's it, I'm stepping to the police!" The woman exclaimed.

"Do they still want him in their prisons?" Hide asked. "I keep hearing that he gets kicked out within minutes because he's beating up his fellow prisoners while screaming justice triumphs of something. Also, he wears that weird garbage costume."

"That's his superhero uniform!" Seidou defended. "Floppyman is a man of justice!"

And physical abuse.

"Stop interfering with the 4th wall!"

Can't do, if I don't Pierrot will turn it into the mess we call the Tokyo Ghoul anime.

Seineapple pouted, grabbing his girlfriend and left the room, sulking, leaving the other two persons staring at the man's computer screen.

Akita frowned. "Are those... Sex imagine of Pineapples?"

Seidou quickly ran back, closed the programs, but a super secured lock on his computer and shut it down. Then he quickly stashed his pineapple porn magazines and turned to the door again. "Don't babe into someone's privacy!"

As if someone who's into pineapple porn has privacy...

* * *

So, now with Suzuya and his guardian, who was finally released from the hospital and his bandages, but still scarred for life. They were in the CCG's (Ghoul abuse) weapon lab. Which looked like some kind of disgusting factory you'd expect see Houjo from Final Fantasy VII as one of the employers.

Suzuya wasn't really paying attention. Since he was staring at his android, watching a certain video he recorded.

"Didn't they confiscate your camera?" Shinohara asked skeptically,

"I made copies before hand!" The stitched make replied. "It's also on YouTube, it made more than 5K hits in just one day!"

The older investigator. "Where will humanity bring us? Sex with a fruit, what's so sane and entertaining about that?"

"Inspector Shinohara! You're finally released!" A guy in a lab coat and a haircut similar to Guy from Naruto except, that it also covered his eyes approached them, but since he couldn't see through his bangs he walked into a walk, gaining a nose bleed in the process and staining his super white coat. "Ouch, this hurt." He mumbled in a high pitched tone.

"Professor Chigyo!"

Let's call him lap coat Guy or cosplayer or blind guy.

"So, professor, you still have problems with your eyesight?"

"No matter how often I cut it! My hair grows back within seconds! The doctors said that if I cut my bangs I would die! So I have to live as if I am blind!" Lab coat Guy whimpered.

"... I see. So, has Suzuya's quinque been completed?"

Blind Guy nodded excitedly. "Yes! It took me a while, but I finally finished. If you come this way, you'll see the magnificent results of..."

A loud crash brought the men's attention to the lab. They quickly glanced out of the window to find, to their horror, Suzuya playing around with his new quinque, destroying everything in the process.

"Weeee! Look, I'm like those tanks in those RPG games! Heeey Shinohara-san, the nice narrator-san gave me a cup of coffee! Oops, I think I hit a gas tube!"

I think, I myself also had a bit too much coffee.

The two men stood frozen as the fire alarm went off, the sprinklers went off and soaked everything. The computers started to malfunction and almost everyone evacuated out of the exploding building. Except for those three, of course.

Guy-sensei fell down on his knees, crying like a baby and Shinohara still had to register what was happening. "My... My life work! All the money..." Lab coat Guy sniffed. "My life work is ruined!"

Shinohara blinked slowly catching up to reality, but just when he opened his mouth the lab exploded, sending him, a crying Guy-sensei and a hyperactive Suzuya on caffeine flying. The CCG building exploded seconds afterwards, sending all those inside into the ocean.

Since that moment on the scythe was dubbed: misfortune's weapons by the investigator. Suzuya wanted to call it the Super Duper Suzuya weapon 2.0, but the plot forced him to call it Suzuya's Jason. 

* * *

Aogiri!

... Was... In a very important discussion meeting, at least, the higher ups...

"So," Eto began as she stared around the room. Tatars stood next to her, Noro on the opposite side, Ayato was just half paying attention and Kaneki was emo like always. "Now that part one of our plan succeeded without any problems or delay, we should move on to our next step and point."

The whole, room was quiet while they listened to their superior.

"Who's going to be in charge of Naki?"

Still silent, the majority just shuffled uncomfortably, staring at each other, hoping not to be picked, except for Kaneki of course, because he's still emo.

"No one?" The sole female in the room asked.

"Can't we just leave him in the hands of one of the lower ranked members?" Ayato suggested.

"Come on, we both know they'll screw up!"

And you think these guys won't screw up?

"At least not as much since they have more screen time!"

...

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Why can't we leave the retard with the lazy ass narrator? It's not like she has anything else to do except to annoy us." Gorilla grumbled. "Fucking bitch!"

Sorry, can't interfere too much with the 4th wall!

"You're already fucking doing that!"

Geez, how many times do I have to say this? I'm just a bunch of written sentences.

"Well then, since no one volunteers, I'll have to pick someone myself!" The bandaged mummy exclaimed. "Kaneki will be in charge of Naki!"

Noro, Tatara any Ayato, signed in relief, while Kaneki frowned, confused at the woman's sudden decision.

"Don't give me that face, just see it as practice?"

"Practice for what?!" Ayato growled while glaring suspiciously at his fluffy, white-he aired colleague.

Eto smiled widely under her bandages. "For when he has to do it for real with his girlfriend! I gotta say, she looks very cute. She and that little sister figure of hers probably need some counselling, a lot of counselling, but hey, her reasoning is so much better than Ayato's and she bought my flowers!"

As if on cue, Tatara and Noro threw themselves just in time at Ayato before he would attack Kaneki in a blind rage, screaming that he has to keep his dirty hands off his sister. Kaneki didn't really react much, too preoccupied with wondering why and how Eto met Hinami and Touka. Savage Ayato's insults and screeches, quickly disturbed the man's train of thought and gave him the urge to crack his fingers again and that Ayato would just shut up. Eto, on the other hand, burst into mad laughter. Yup, to her today was the best day she had this year.

After the very chaotic meeting finally ended. Tatara and Noro dragged and now unconscious Ayato back to his room. They had to drug him in order to shut the kid up because the heavy anaesthetics didn't help one bit, even the meant for elephants and horses. So they beat him up and injected him repeatedly with drugs. Which wasn't an easy task, considering Ayato's impenetrable ghoul skin. At least sniffing helped, it did take a long time for them to figure it out.

Kaneki got dragged by Eto and dumped into the room, Naki and his goons resided. The blonde retard was scratching the walls and licking it like a dog. To be honest, even the room smelled like a dog, no worse, far worse. It would give anyone the urge to throw up and rip off your own nose.

"Wow, this place got cleaned just an hour ago! I can't believe we need to clean it again!" The woman mused.

"Mama Aniki! Waahhaaaa! I did dodo!"

Eto let out a sigh and turned to the white fluff hair. "Alright, so Kaneki your first job will be diaper change! Don't worry, we have some stashed in that closet, so no need to humiliate yourself by going to the stores. Good luck and try to get him shut up."

The girl closed the door with a big slam and left the man in an awkward situation with the mental ghoul. Fluffy White X stared around and glanced at the still crying foul. His head started to hurt.

"Waaahhhaha! Maaammaaaa! Iiieeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaahhhh!"

Naki rolled all around the room and grabbed some chalk. After staring at it, he stuffed it in his mouth. Chewing on it a few times because he puked it all out and started crying again.

Well, that's going to be one hell of a job for our main protagonist!

Eto and Tatara decided to enjoy the show (at least for Eto it was) of the crying potato rained ghoul and the emo ghoul. To be honest, everyone was annoyed by the crying and the wailing.

"If that stupid idiot won't shut up now, I'll do it myself!" Tatara growled as he clutched his head.

Within seconds it became quiet, Naki was flung into the and after some censored beatings Kaneki left the room, leaving a finally unconscious Naki. Well, I guess that was lesson 1?

Tatara sighed in relief while Eto just kept swinging her legs in glee. "Meh, he'll just have to practice a bit more before he gets the hang of it."

Man, I bet the coming weeks Kaneki will have to take baths every hour after being stuck with that. 

* * *

A few corridors further away a few low unimportant Aogiri ghouls were just chilling and doing nothing.

"So, any news today?" Unimportant no. 1 asked.

"Kingdom Hearts 4 has still no release date?" No. 2 answered.

"I said news, you dumbass."

"How about we try to install Wi-Fi here?" No. 3 suggested.

"Ugh, I'm stuck with a bunch of nerds!" One complained again.

"I heard that that white haired guy is quite to creep." A fourth one commented.

"We know that already!" The others pointed out, obviously.

"No, I mean it! He cannibalises in his free time!"

"Isn't that what all our higher ups do?" One retorted.

"And he keeps cracking his finger and seems to give Ayato-san odd stares."

"I heard he's familiar with Ayato-san's sister. You think they're dating, maybe he looks too much like her?" Number 2 wondered.

"You mean he's bisexual?"

"By the way, some funny videos are getting distributed through YouTube! I looked it up when I was visiting an Internet café, I think it was called something like..."

A rumble from above interrupted the group's conversation. Not sure what was happening, they glanced up to the roof, only to be squashed by a giant sack of meat.

"Kaneki-kun! I, Tsukiyama Shuu, have finally come to save you!" The fat gourmet mumbled.

"You can't even move by yourself, how do you expect to save anyone!" Banjou pointed out.

"Look, we've got more than a million hits on our YouTube channel!" Sante exclaimed gleefully.

"How was it possible to get us here without getting detected?" Ichimi muttered. 

* * *

Flashback moment!

"Meat delivery!" Cosplaying Banjou announced to some guards.

The two ghouls looked curiously at the giant covered 'stack' of fat. "It's probably the leftovers from the van breakout. About time you delivered them. Just put them in the basement. If you need any help, just tell, it looks super heavy."

"Thank you very much, we do need some help."

So when they arrived at the basement, Banjou and the gang beat up the guards and stripped them of their clothes, using them as disguises for themselves. To make sure they stayed unconscious, Tsukiyama rolled over them like the fatty that he is, probably traumatising the ghouls unconsciously.

Since, Tsukiyama was a sac of fat he didn't need a disguise, first of all. Because here was nothing in his size and second or all, they'd mistake him for a bag of fat anyway. 

* * *

"Must look for Kaneki-kun's room and underwear!" The fat ghoul said!

Banjou and the others turned in time to find the fat ghoul rolling away. "Fuck, this can't be happening. Guys, we have to do something before this gets out of hand!"

And thus, since that day on a new mystery was born about the ghost sack of meat that would pulverise you if you were to walk alone around a certain corridor at night. Okay, it didn't matter if you were alone or not, or if it was during the night or not or in what corridor. Whenever someone mentioned, talked or referenced Kaneki, they'd be squished by the fasted talking meatball alive, surprisingly Kaneki never got to deal with or, nor did he know about it.

"Kaneki-kun! Your hero has come to save you!"

By now Banjou and the others had already given up on running after Tsukiyama like a bunch of idiots, yup, better to keep filming for YouTube. 

* * *

So, as the final pieces of this chapter, the CCG was in a mess, since Suzuya had blown up the building the meeting was held in the only still available room of the CCG, which surprisingly was intact; the storeroom. Floppyman, Akira, Shinohara, a still nauseous and heavily injured Houji, a fangirling Seiple and Suzuya were the unfortunate ones who were cramped in the room.

"Tell me again why we have to lock ourselves in this tiny room, there we hardly can breathe?" Akira asked with a lot of annoyance in her tone, her bucket was close to spilling.

"We have no choice," Shinohara explained. "Washuu-San insisted on us meeting in a place where people can't overhear us. He was strictly against meetings outside of the headquarter boarders."

"And this tiny storeroom prevents others from overhearing?" She asked sarcastically.

"JUSTICE DOESN'T KNOW WALLS OR BORDERS!" Amon exclaimed loudly.

"Shut it! No one cares about your opinion!" Akira barked.

"How dare you insult the great Floppyman!" Seidou yelled.

"What's the point of being here when people will forget about me anyway!" Houji whined as he started to cry like a little girl.

Soon a fight broke out in the small room. Shinohara had to watch while his colleagues tried to pull out each other's hair, bite, kick or kick their balls in Akira's case. Suzuya had somehow been able to scoop over to Shinohara, his gleeful face and smile almost unable to remove of his face.

"Shinohara-san, I have a video how humans have sex with fruit. Do you want to watch it?"

The poor traumatised man said nothing. He just sighed, wondering when he finally would be gifted with retirement. He turned around, crawled into the corner and started to puke out his lunch.

Another successful CCG meeting! How professional of them!

* * *

Now our favourite characters! Since the CCG hadn't made any progress at all since episode 1 let's entertain the readers.

Hide was going through nostalgia lane, by scanning through old embarrassing pictures of him and Kaneki. The poster Touka had scribbled on, hang innocently above his bed. Next to the poster were Hide's next plan to kill the Duck Hunt dog and terrorise PETA. He laughed, cried, sniffed and made all kinds of weird faces with each photo. "You're supposed to have abandonment issues, then you leave the woman, who kinda gas a similar fear after promising you wouldn't leave her, what kind of an ass are you?"

Touka was sleeping in her bed, snoring soundly after an exhausting day of madness. Her desk was filled with papers and other important documents, while her ghoul snacks lay everywhere since we all know how much we woman love to eat when we're upset, nervous or experience any other kind of emotion. "Hmm. must. rip off. mask. from the idiot." She mumbled while moving restlessly from one side to another. "Go. Fuck yourself. Shitty Kaneki... Zzz."

As for our... Supposed to be emo-turned main character, he and Ayato and some unnamed ghouls just stood in fro. Of the Cochlea building, probably getting ready for some awesome attack on the incompetent CCG building, all those unsuspecting humans and ghouls, just waiting to be devoured by Kaneki and for Tsukiyama and the others to get some screen time! This means Pierrot will make the next episode super epic!

Oops..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this concludes and proves how twisted everyone is! Or at least now twisted I am, hooray!! More Seiple moments for Kaneki's Centipede. I know how much you love those two and there's also a little bit of KanekixBanana! A parody without such crazy ship doesn't deserve to be called a parody! Now, also a bit of Ayaneki jokes, Amodou or whatever you call AmonxSeidou. A weird form of Hidekane... if you call the moments Hide was glued to Kaneki shipping. XD Some twisted version of YamorixNaki. if we can even call it a ship. XD Baby Naki on full power! And EtoxHinamixTouka! XD ToukaxHinami, HinamixKaneki and what should we call pierrotxHinami? Hinarot? Lolz. So much happened here Tsukiyama took the spotlight again! but for how long will that last? And Suzuya is a perverted peeping tom! better keep your distance from him if you don't want him to invade your privacy and put it online, cuz that's his hobby.
> 
> I guess that was all I wanted to share. I had so much fun writing this, even during the awkward moments. Gogo comedy! I'm really on fire! TG is my passion and Re is getting so... OMOGAHUXJDICSBHAFUJISGCFAILWA! Super epic awesome! *Squeals* I'm already looking forward to today's raws! So everyone, keep being awesome and see you soon!


	5. Chasing Le Red Dragon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Episode 4.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me like 3 days to write this damn chapter! Three days! That while I had to rewatch the episode all over again. Not an easy feat, considering that I had to pause it and facepalm a lot.
> 
> Anyway, it's finished and as always it's a super long chapter. Seriously, Pierrot makes it quite easy to spot flaws that are easy to make fun of.

After a long pointless vacation, due to the rebuilding of the CCG headquarters, the members of the CCG have to return to work. First, on today's agenda was a very important meeting. The most, most important of all you could ever imagine! So important that the future of the CCG is on the line! Washuu Yoshitoki was putting everything on the line to have the meeting end peacefully.

"So, Maru, I've heard... Rumours... About your behaviour towards your colleagues."

The meeting between Washuu Sr. And Special Class Marude. The most important meeting of Sr.'s life. If he were to make one mistake, motor lover would scare him into suicide.

"Rumours? Hah, those are all lies! I'm a perfect model investigator and widow father!"

Wow, the day hasn't even started and someone wants to suicide already.

"Really? Then I'm glad! I just received a message that I had to go back to the front lines again, due to the overwhelming pointless deaths of our investigators. I was requested to appoint you as the second in command. I have no idea why they decided on all these. But then I heard our colleagues complain of you, being the major responsibility for all those killings. I was scared that I'd have to work with a psychopath who might kill me. But I'm glad that's not the case Maru. I mean we're the best of friends!"

Perverted Maru blinked. "Wait... Am I... Promoted?"

"Yup!"

"Wooohhoooo! Take that, you sucky Arima! I'm getting even better paid than you now!"

"Actually, you don't. Despite your promotion. He's still the top of the CCG."

"Fuck him..."

"Anyway, you'll have my back from now on!" Washuu Sr. Chimed idiotically.

That guy is so screwed...

"So, what's the first thing now?" Marude asked. "I mean it's been such a long time, I don't even remember who we were targeting."

"Ah, about that... All our files were destroyed in that explosion... But don't worry, I still have some doodles in my notebooks!"

Those notes of his are practically childish drawings. Yeah, Washuu can't draw, or paint or show any artistic side because he sucks at it, like every other family member of his.

"Crap I can't read it...!" Yoshyoshi grumbled in frustration at the childish drawing. It looks like some weird eye and an owl... We need an expert to look at this... But there's only one who can help us with this!"

"Don't worry, I have the perfect scapegoat who can deal with that person." An evil smirk appeared on Marumaru's face. 

* * *

Cochlea Ghoul Internment Center aka Cochlea Prison. As the name says, it's a prison for ghouls and like every prison, it was corrupt as hell. Many guards were bribed to smuggle food, mostly people who wanted to suicide, badass coffee and most important drugs! Yup, they smuggled drugs in and out the place! Everyone there did drug! The ghouls, the guards, the walls. The whole place smelled like a large pile of shit! Drug shit! The only reason investigators came here was to get high secretly or when they had to question ghouls, which hardly occurred due to everyone allowing themselves to be consumed by the purple dragon.

The 6:00 hour in the morning.

"JUSTICE DEMANDS THE MEANING OF THIS SUPER CHILDISH DOODLE!"

"Amon you're talking to a wall..." Akira grumbled tiredly.

Amon blinked a few times and turned 90 degrees to his right. "JUSTICE DEMANDS THE MEANING OF THIS SUPER CHILDISH DOODLE!"

"That's another wall..."

"JUSTICE DEMANDS..."

"That's the air!"

"JUSTIC..."

"For fuck's sake! Are you a fucking idiot!? Go sit in that chair!"

Akira pointed to the chair in front of the glass prison. They had been going like this for a while. Floppyman scratched his head and sat on the chair, staring at the old man who was sitting on the other side of the glass.

"WHO ARE YOU?!"

"I can't believe I was forced to get up for this shit!" The blonde investigator grumbled. 

* * *

Right outside of Cochlea Eto was camping near some construction side, a smile on her mummy face as she glanced at the drug smuggling prison with her binoculars.

"Ah, I suddenly see a new market for us to gain money from!" 

* * *

Flashback! Woosh!

Year 19...29? Somewhere in Japan...

A still childish and hopefully not yet brain dead Amon... I mean an unknown child who definitely is not Amon! ... Ugh, who am I kidding! Anyway, chibi Amon, who was at that time taken under the wing by a gentle priest called Donato Porpora. They lived in a small church, which stood on a Russian hill near some Japanese town. The hill was part of Russia for some reason, everything else belonged to Japan. Also, Amon lived with several other orphans who bullied him. Since he was practically the only one who was living at the orphanage the longest and he was very tall for his age too. After losing another bet hours ago, Chibi Amon was forced to walk around in dirty wet underwear through the neighbourhood. He was repeatedly molested, beaten up and humiliated by adults, even almost lost his virginity. Anyway, our little not yet Floppyman finally arrived home, sadly for him the room was too dark, so he hardly saw a damn thing there. Being the gullible little child that he was, he kept skipping inside until he slipped over something and landed on what felt to him a pool of water.

 _"Wait, this water smells weird!"_ Chibi Amon complained. _"And it looks too red to be water!"_

Upon a closer look, he noticed that the water he had slipped on wasn't water at all. It was blood. The child froze and tried to crawl away until he stumbled upon a hand holding a butcher knife. Next to it he found the severed limbs of one of his fellow orphans.

_"... That shoe..."_

_"Koutaro, who said you could come in..."_ His adoptive priest father asked. _"Wait, why are you covered in rat piss again? And where have you been, the last 24 hours?"_

 _"Is that Kazuki who was supposed to be adopted? Akie and Yusuke..."_ Chibi Amon was Frozen until his brain finally registered what happened. _"Holy crap they're dead?! My prayers have been heard! Who's the loser now, you, clothes stealing Bullies! During your funeral, I'm going to pee on your graves!"_ Was what his mind was screaming, but Amon's gaze was now locked on the butcher knife. The whole place was silent until...

_"Kyaaaaaaa! It's Jack the Ripper! He's going to kill me and steal my body parts!"_

_"Uh, no I'm not that British serial killer... I'm just a ghoul."_ Donato tried to explain desperately.

_"And he killed father too!"_

_"Wait, no, Koutaro listen!"_

But Chibi Amon did not listen. He backed away quickly. Not even noticed the threshold and tripped. His scream was almost muted by the nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine bumps made when his head hit each staircase and yes, it was a nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine staircase that led towards the town. Try to say it out loud and quick, nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine let's see if you can do that. Anyway, he ended up with a nasty wound on his head and some brain damage, believing that Jack the Ripper had killed his beloved father and impersonated him, he called the CCG and they locked him up. The church became the target of a heavy dispute between Russia and Japan, after WW2 the place was burned down and the little hill belongs now to none of the two countries. But because of the Jack the Ripper incidents, the citizens believed that England had taken the hill, which is now known as the haunted hill. Stories of how a child (Amon) died in a tragic accident involving prostitutes who, apparently lived there and the fearful Ghoul Jack the Ripper, who killed everyone who lived in that church. At least, those are the stories circulating in that village. Now, let's return to the present where Amon after various tries, finally asked a question to Donato. The SS-rated Russian ghoul.

 _"That does not explain anything about that idiot!"_ Akira protested.

It kinda does.

_"But this makes no sense!"_

This is a parody, what else do you expect?

 _"I, FLOPPYMAN!"_ Floppyman screamed. _"Will not forgive the injustice you've spread, Jack the Ripper! You killed many prostitutes, which I did not really care about and thousands of innocent children! Including those bullies who kept stealing from me, but they don't count. They were just trash that had to die. But you also killed, MY BELOVED FATHER! Who worked hard each day to feed us all, especially me! With his old, fragile and weak body! And you, disgusting creature killed him! And hid in his skin! I won't be fooled by you, for I am FLOPPYMAN!"_

Donato the Ripper just stood there in his prison outfit and chained feet, he looked as if he was near crying. _"But, I am your father... I'm not Jack the Ripper..."_

_"LIIIIEEEEEEESSSSS!"_

While Akira stood outside, she could hear everything and to her surprise, she even felt sorry for the old ghoul and surprised that there was someone out there with brains who actually cared for that creep.

_"His actual name is supposed to be the Priest if I remember. But those incompetent higher-ups just labelled him the London prostitute killer... That guy wasn't even a ghoul..."_

* * *

Now, a bit further away with a bunch of half-drugged guards. Let's see what those noobs have been up to.

"Dude, look at all those lightbulbs." Stoned guard 1 commented.

"Yeah man, they're like so shiny and bright." Stone guard 2 agreed.

"I wonder what happens when you press it."

"Yeah,let's do that man!"

And so the high guards pressed every button.

"Request confirmed. Gate 0 will open in 3, 2, 1..." *click*

"Duuuuuuude." 

* * *

And back to Amon!

"JUSTICE DEMANDS THE MEANING OF THIS SUPER CHILDISH DOODLE!"

"Alright alright!" Donato gave in tiredly. "I'll give you what you need. Just let me talk to your girlfriend. At least, she will be able to follow."

Amon blinked and turned to the door. "FLOPPYGIRL!"

Akira's angry head popped up behind the door. "First, I'm not his girlfriend, not even his friend. Second, I don't give a damn about the CCG's mission anymore, everyone who works here is nuts and third and for the last time don't call me Floppygirl! I am not part of your stupid fantasy! Go ask your fanboy to be your partner!"

Right at that moment, the alarm went off, practically making every idiot shit his or her pants.

"Oh great, don't tell me Aogiri broke in. I knew following Special Class Marude-san's orders was a stupid idea!" The blonde gritted her teeth angrily as she hit the wall repeatedly with her head.

"Danger! Injustice is near! This is a job for... FLOPPYMAN and FLOPPYGIRL! Akira-san, hurry, justice never waits!"

Floppyman rushed out of the room, leaving Donato and Akira alone. The Floppyman hater turned to the unjustified convicted ghoul. "The security here, it's crap normally, right?"

"Totally the majority here are drugs junkies. But the guards who are here today are less than the usual amount of the majority of the guards were transferred to another ward, which included all the sober ones. Not sure why but it made it possible for us to walk around freely and have our weekly water gymnastics during more flexible hours and away from the junkies."

"So... If I want to get killed and freed from all these retards, this would be the best moment, right?"

"... What?" 

* * *

Meanwhile, with Shinohara and our lovely Suzuya, who was hugging his new quinque: The Super Duper Suzuya Weapon 2.0 aka Misfortune's Weapon 1.3. The two had just come back from therapy session. Shinohara because of his incident with Arata's and suicidal hallucinations and Suzuya... Because of his weird fascination for watching fruits and humans having sex and posting movies about that on the Internet. Somehow he became an Internet sensation and people were even planning on making a movie about it and even requested him to write a book.

"I think I'm going to call my first book, Juicy and Squishy!"

"... Please be quiet Suzuya it took me weeks to get rid of the nightmares." Damaged Shinohara mumbled.

"Or maybe Rock Hard and Round!"

"I want a permanent vacation."

"I can't wait till I can use my Super Duper Suzuya's Weapon 2.0 on some ghouls!"

Right at that moment, they received a call from the depressed investigator: Houji.

"Shinohara-san... There is probably a problem at Cochlea."

Shinohara felt a shiver running through his spine. He was hoping that Houji was only informing him and not requesting him to go and help out. "Okay... And?"

"Since Washuu ordered the majority of the people there to be replaced to other wards the people in Cochlea are deeply understaffed and the security is horrible there. Now Aogiri is attacking the place and the people are requesting for backup."

"How did Aogiri break in the most secured place in whole Tokyo."

"According to the reports... They planted a virus in the security system... At least, that's what the reports say. The rumours say the guards were high and pressed every button but we know that that's not possible."

"Point taken and what do you want me to do? Drop Suzuya off and have him fight everyone."

"Actually, the higher ups asked for your assistance too."

"..." Shinohara was quiet.

"Shinohara-san?"

"Oh shit, I remember that I can't today I have to go to the hospital!"

"Didn't you go this morning."

"But this case is different... I-I... I'm having my vagina removed today!"

Suzuya looked at his superior curiously. "You have a vagina?!"

"Gotta go! Bad signal here! I can't hear you! Bye!"

At the other line, Houji was silent. He glanced over to his parter Seinapple who was making out with his pineapple lover.

"... Fuck it, this will be my only opportunity to a successful suicide to get rid of my shitty life. Seidou lets go!"

Pineapple-kun realising that he was practically caught fell off his chair. "Sure coming! Coming... To where?"

He had no idea what fate was waiting for them, then again neither did Aogiri. 

* * *

Now, back to Ghoul Prison. All the CCG members were forced to sober up. Those who didn't were labelled as screwed. Like pawns, waiting to be slaughtered, they stood there, looking at every corner and cranny, checking every possible corridor and place to look for any ghoul. Aogiri just stood on top of the building, looking like an army of Shinigami or grim reapers or the FFF group from Baka to Test who'd slaughter every guy with a girlfriend. Why they did that, no one knew, they could have better entered from underground and throw a surprise assault at the CCG. But nope, they stood there. For some reasons the CCG started to shoot, but because everyone was still standing there no one got hurt. All of the hooded creeps began to stare at one creep who was just looking at nowhere. They all nodded in agreement and pushed the lonely creep.

"Nyaaaaaaaaaaah!"

After a long and annoying scream, the creep fell face flat on the ground. Hood falling off to reveal that the creep was no one other than Naki... Oh oh...

"Waaaaaaahhhaaa! MAMA ANIKI, NAKI WANT BOTTLE! NYYAAAAAGAAAAAAAA!"

Naki's scream was so loud and annoying that the unfortunate guards near got brain and ear damage. It was so bad that their brain exploded and they all dropped dead in a pool of their own blood.

The other Aogiri ghouls landed neatly while the CCG was distracted, they started their massacre. Killing anything that was moving and smelled like a human, while of course taking a bite from them too. It was like a buffet to them.

This sounds much reasonable than what Pierrot came up with. I mean seriously. I mean they just allowed themselves to fall like some sack of potatoes. A super easy target for the CCG, what the fuck where they thinking?! What idiotic person came up with that shit?!

Anyway, Eto watched gleefully while Noro pierced the humans, one by one with his kagune.

"You know... I expected more people to be here..."

The next coming scenes were practically ripped off from any game/ movie that involved some break in, in a super secured prison or secret base thingy. The only difference was since all the locks were already opened, thanks to some drugs idiots who were now blowing on the roof and watching Banjou's famous living ball of fat video on YouTube.

"Man, that thing is so fat."

"Dude, what will happen when it explodes?"

"Fat liquid man."

"Duuuuuudee!"

While those idiots were completely stoned and unaware of what was happening. the majority of the ghoul prisoners were already out and since the commotion started, they halted their aerobics classes and watched curiously at what was happening.

"Is this another drugs-party?"

Of course, they only saw blood everywhere. For someone who had never ventured the deepest part of the Internet this could be considered gruesome, but to the most of us, it isn't.

Anyway, our damaged protagonist just walked casually, without thinking, around the place while his slaves did his job for him. What a lazy ass, do something useful! While somewhere else Amon and Akira were hiding from a bunch of ghouls like a bunch of chickens.

"Why am I supposed to hide! This is my chance to be liberated from this hellish job!" The blonde complained.

"We won't! These individuals committed no unjust! I don't see any children or elderly that were molested or abused! WE IGNORE THEM!"

So while Akira was protesting and was about to jump into action, Amon grabbed her by her collar and dragged her away.

"Noo my chance to be killed is right there in front of me!"

He halted behind a wall. Right, then Floppyman conveniently saw A group of ghouls. Kaneki was walking among them, better say behind and Ayato was almost cured of his hangover, so he was kinda walking normally. If you ignored his wobbling and random insults. Also, he still refused to take off his swag glasses. But Amon as more focuses on the fluffy white hair.

"That white hair... THAT ELDERLY NEEDS OUR HELP!"

"Can't you see the different between an old person and a teen! That guy is definitely not old!"

"FLOPPYMAN IN ACTION!"

Floppyman was ready to jump into action, but he bumped into the door. Hitting his head so hard that he lost conscious and fell with a thunk.

"FLOPpy... Ugh..."

Akira was left with an enormous headache.

"... I'm starting to understand why some people start to drink or use drugs..." She muttered. 

* * *

Ayato used his bitches as a meat shield so they died in his stead, which was completely unnecessary since the guards were only shooting at one spot, which could be easily evaded by a ghoul. Bravo Pierrot that was some excellent fighting scene! Anyway, in response for his fallen comrades, Ayato showed the CCG the finger,

"You fucking missed fucktards! Is that the best you can do! Even my shitty father would have done a better job! No one can beat the A-man! I'm your fucking boss, I'm the fucking King of the world! Every human will bow down to me! Ack!"

Sadly for Ayato, his head was met with Kaneki's surprisingly purple kagune. The hormone boy fell from the platform he was standing on, to about three floors lower. Our depressed protagonist just watched as Ayato fell on top of the humans, killing them instantly.

"My hand slipped..."

"You fucking ass! I'll get you for this!" Punk Ayato growled. He was dying to release his bottled up frustration, but due to the mission and some other shit he had no choice but to get up and grab one of the dead officer CCG as a snack.

Kanecchi, on the other hand, cracked his finger and glanced at the dead bodies. He felt dissatisfaction deep within him. 

* * *

Tatara had the honour to fight Vexen 2.0 who was using some kind of flesh eating plant quinque.

"Let's send all the people from the 23rd Ward to the other wards they said. Would be fun, they said! And now that Cochlea is attacked everyone who had a day off has to rush to their deathbeds. Great advice Washu, you motherfucking faggot! As if I don't have anything else to do. Like completing my experiment so that I can get a real heart or something!"

"Huh? Special Class Vexen 2.0-san, you don't have a heart?" Nameless subordinate asked.

"Ah... That was supposed to be classified information."

"What?!"

"But yeah, I have no heart. Look, it's completely empty!" He opened his long white coat and stabbed his fingers in his skin revealing his lungs, muscles, some bone and the place where his heart was supposed to be which was bleeding and completely empty. The lower-ranked investigators threw up one by one and fainted.

"What? I'm called a Nobody for a reason! You bunch of discriminating racist! Ugh ...!"

Sadly for Vexen 2.0 because he was lacking a heart and had a never ending internal bleeding. His body stopped functioning and he died right on spot, releasing Tatara from his mandating flower attack.

"Hmm, that was surprisingly easy. I didn't even need to move a muscle. How heartless of him to prevent me from having a decent fight. At least, he left me some lemonade. It's a good thing I brought this straw in case I was thirsty."

YYYYYEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! 

* * *

Anyway... Now to another very important part of the plot...

"Kuro... Where are we again?"

"The Gourmet Restaurant... I think... No, Papa's lab... Wait... Cochlea."

"... Why are we here again?"

"Because we're bored?"

The twins Kurona and Nashiro were officially lost, literally and figuratively. They have been wandering around the prison for hours with no idea what their objective was again and the only thing they had gained from it was free pot and a discount coupon for water aerobics classes.

"I think we're supposed to look for Nii-san. Even though we've already met face to face and none of us grew smarter from that encounter."

"Then, why are we still stalking him?"

"I don't know..." 

* * *

Aaaaand let's skip to the adventures of Floppyman and Floppygirl! Wow, that part was so important.

"FLOPPYMAN KICK! FLOPPYMAN PUNCH! FLOPPYMAN BEAM!"

Okay, where the hell did that came from? While Floppyman was besting every human and ghoul up with his floppyman power, Akira simply used her quinque. Better to say, she just stood there with her quinque, since Amon didn't allow her to have any action. And watching Floppyman committing his judgement of justice is not very nice to the eyes. Every human and ghoul-head flew with a splat against the walls, dying the whole place in red. To say it was sickening was an understatement.

"This guy is a total psycho..." The 2nd rank investigator muttered.

"My sensors sense a baby in trouble! TO THE LOWER FLOORS!"

Without a warning, Floppyman picked up Akira and threw her over the fence, allowing her to fall face flat on the ground on the floor below while he didn't suffer any damage.

"I fucking... Hate you!"

Unfortunately or fortunately. The ghoul they encountered was Naki, who recently shit his pants and was still crying.

"Mama aniki! Naki did doodoo! Waaahaaaaa!"

"... Okay, I prefer that idiotic Amon Kotaro than this annoying thing."

"FLOPPYMAN WILL BRING THIS BABY JUSTICE!"

Akira glanced over at the retarded baby and her insane colleague.

"Or maybe neither..."

* * *

Millions of floors below! Our main protagonist was walking in a completely deserted part of the prison. Practically all rooms were open, showcasing the mess they were in. The scent of weed, cigarettes, blood wine and something unknown and disgusting was strongly present in the area. While it would send the past, him rushing to the toilet and vomiting anything he had eaten that day our current gloomy protagonist did no such thing. He just kept walking until he arrived in front of the only door that was closed. It had a stay out, beware sign.

"... This is it." Our fluffy white X muttered as he cracked his finger.

Somehow he opened the door and peeked inside. It smelled even worse than the other rooms. To his not showing surprise, the room seemed empty at first, aside from the stashed drugs, alcohol and steroids, but out of the blue a large bulked up hooligan appeared in front of him.

"WEED! SMELL! RIZE!"

Without any warning or reason at all, he punched Kaneki and send him flying out of the room. A little further away Kaneki landed on the floor, next to him was a sign which said: beware Heavy Drug addict section.

"KILL! POT! MORE POT!

Sachi's interpretation of Kaneki's white hair is a giant free drug to smoke. He tends to mistake a lot of white/ silver-haired males for drugs. I wonder why. 

* * *

Alright, while Kaneki had to deal with a completely stoned Sachi, Suzuya... Who arrived here due to plot convenience that even Shinohara could not resist. Had gone on a killing spree while he was working on his novel at the same time.

"Do Pineapples have a vagina? Or do they have a penis?"

While his rambling was super inappropriate in any situation, he just continued asking weird questions to the ghouls he killed. While on the other side, Kuro and Shiro were leisurely just walking around. They practically had no reason to kill any ghoul they'd meet and the investigators were well, there weren't many to begin with... They ended up in a large room where Suzuya was working on his novel.

"Next time, let's visit a Ghoul Restaurant," Kuro mumbled.

Our lovely peeping Tom looked up curiously at the twins. "Oh, Kurona and Nashiro!"

"Rei..." The two ghouls said simultaneously.

"I changed my name to Suzuya Juuzo now! It sounds much cooler, especially with my awesome Super Duper Suzuya Weapon 2.0!"

Give up. It's called Suzuya's Jason... Or something. The fandom won't change the name for you, nor will Ishida-sensei.

"Apple juice!"

That made no sense, but fine. 

* * *

 Back to Akira and Floppyman.

Akira ended up fighting baby Naki. Why, cuz he's a retard and keeps flailing and wailing his kagune everywhere and because Akira was convinced he escaped during The transfer, instead of the fact that the nursing school just wanted to get rid of him. Floppyman had easily head-butted Gagi and Gugu, who he thought were molesting Naki. Now he was just standing there like an idiot while Akira was fighting a retard. Yeah, that makes sense.

"Mama Yamori! Where where! Waaahaaaaaanyaaaaaaaa!"

"I'm sick of these weirdos! Bite on this!"

Akira threw a granite right in from of the crying Naki baby. It exploded within seconds, making the ghoul cry even harder.

"CRC gas works like a charm." The woman smirked proudly.

If it works so good why the hell haven't you guys filled the whole place with that? You would have knocked out all the ghouls in one shot."

"Shut up! Do you have any idea how expensive these are?! The higher ups said there wasn't enough budget to install them."

Has it never occurred to you that those idiots filled their pockets with the budget because they care more about their own greed than the safety of one organisation?

"..."

Thought so, anyway. Naki started to cry and made annoying tantrums again. He punched, kicked and destroyed everything.

"Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki! Mama Aniki!

He jumped on Akira and took a bite of her leg. Afterwards, he went to her chest, ripped her shirt open and began to suck on her boobs. Akira of course, screamed in pain and of mental distraught.

"Iyaaaaagh! Noooo! S-stay away from me you freak! KYAAAAAAA!"

The scream reached all the ears of the humans and ghouls present in the facility. It was so traumatising that all the people with some sanity felt chills running through their spine.

"... I knew we weren't ready to set Naki free... Where the hell is his babysitter?" Eto mumbled.

The loud cream and mental distraught of his comrade snapped the idiotic Amon out of his trance.

"Injustice is taking place! That man-baby is assaulting an innocent woman! FLOPPYMAN JUSTICE BEAM!"

A weird rainbow coloured beam, shot from... *censored* Somewhere... hit Naki and the gagugu brothers. Their heads crashed into a wall, trapping them like some stacked futons. The other Aogiri ghouls had become cautious of the infamous Floppyman.

While Naki bit Akira deep in her leg, for some reason there was no blood nor any signs of ripped pantyhose only the completely black colour of...oh wait there it is! It was just loading! The blood gushed out like a fountain and almost made Akira faint from blood loss.

"I hate this world. I want to be reunited with my parents..."

But the plot won't allow it, so you'll live!

"Son of a bitch!" 

* * *

Nowwww, the awesome battle that the manga had portrayed so~ well! Kaneki and Sachi's fight now brought to you in shitty quality! First, instead of charging at each other. They just stand there in martial arts poses. Kaneki throws his Aogiri cape in the air, practically like it's a sign to declare the beginning of a fight instead of asking Sachi why the fuck he's attacking a person he just met. Sachi just runs towards psycho emo, who, instead of evading, thinks that using his elbows would be a great defence. His sleeves seemed ripped at first and the muted crack sound suggested that his bones were completely damaged. Our fluffy-haired protagonist looked at is broken elbows.

"... Shit, it's broken..."

Really? Cuz to me it all looks black. How can you call that broken? It's like Sachi did nothing to your arms. Where's the blood?! Where are your fucking bones?!

"Here..."

Oh yuck! Keep that away from me! You'll ruin my clothes!

"..."

Don't just stand there and go back to your shitty fight!

"Hohoho! Hah! RIZEEEEEE!" The ape-hooligan grumbled as he launched himself at Kaneki and repeatedly head-butted him. To be honest, it not only damaged Kaneki, but Ape man's skull was also breaking. Not that he had a brain or anything.

After Kaneki healed his... censored broken arms he finally decided to use his kagune..somehow the ends had a purple colour... Don't tell me a sniffed something before breaking in. The hooligan looked at the kagune.

"Hoohoo! Purple! RiiiiiZzzzeeeeee!"

The fuck has purple to do with Rize... Wait, her hair but... Pierrot has deleted her from the story! No one should remember her!

Anyway, Kaneki finally pierced Sachi in his chest. Blood began dripping on the floor, but Sachi was high so he felt nothing like a crazy monkey (No offence to Enji), he released his bikaku kagune and pierced Kaneki's kagune, yadda yadda yadda and after one horribly animated punch Kaneki went down already. Wow...seriously... He punches you one time and you're already beaten... 

* * *

At Foppyman's side things went much easier. Yup, he was beating the ghouls one by one as if it was nothing and those idiots just stood there, watching while their comrades got defeated while they could easily gang up on him.

"I... Am just too scared to move! That's why I'm just watching my friends getting killed and waiting to be killed myself, instead of at least trying to do something!" Nameless Aogiri grunt 1 whimpered.

"He defeated Naki and Ga... Gi.. Gu... The retarded brother with his dick beam! I'm not fighting that!" Grunt 2 agreed.

Grunt 3 nodded. "Yeah! I'm out of here! This is not worth my salary!"

And so the ghouls retreated quickly, not caring that they'd leave any wounded comrade to die. Seriously, does Aogiri even pay their ghouls? Considering the shitty live-environment they provide for their members.

Akira watched with horror and still sour feeling from being traumatised by Naki, as the ghouls retreated.

"W-wait, you forgot to kill me! Come back here! I don't want to deal with the aftermath of my new developed trauma or dealing with this retard! Come back and do your proper job as a ghoul! I'm perfectly defenceless!"

"MISSION COMPLETE! I, FLOPPYMAN! Have defended an innocent, harmless woman from those molesters! JUSTICE HAS PREVAILED AGAIN THANKS TO FLOPPYMAN!"

The blonde investigator watched her superior with disdain. "I fucking hate you! You ruined my life!" 

* * *

While the triumphant laughter of Floppyman was audible through the whole place, Ayato stood somewhere at the higher floors. He was listening to music and trying to show off the swag he thinks he possesses, but actually does not.

"LIKE HELL I DO!"

His little play was interrupted when all the doors closed, all except one and it was right through that one door that Shinohara tried to sneak away.

"Crap this is the wrong door! This place is too big, how the hell am I supposed to find the exit here?! There's no way in hell I'm ever going to fight again! Not after episode... Chapter 1! Suzuya and Amon are more than enough to deal with those ghouls."

Too bad for our traumatised investigator, he ran into the younger Kirishima... No, it wasn't so bad, cuz if he ran into Touka he'd be soo fucked, even more than he'd be with Ayato. So Shinohara practically peed his pants, as he shivered and almost dropped his quinque.

"... Oh, shit!" 

* * *

Now back to Suzuya and the twins who we almost forgot about.

"Holy crap, how did you guys get those eye tattoos?! I want one!"

Shiro and Kuro gave the stitched investigator an odd look. "It's not a tattoo, we've left our humanity behind."

"So, are you immortal now?!"

"No, we're ghouls."

"That's great! You know, I've always wondered, if one of a set twins dies, what happens to the other one?"

"The other one stays alive..." Kuro answered.

Seriously, who wrote that shitty script?!

Suzuya blinked. "They do? Wait... That was the wrong script! Or not?" He began to screen through both the manga and anime scripts. "I have always wondered if I take your intestines, which one will be the longest or it will be the same...? That was it, right?"

And that, guys, is the difference between a seinen and a shounen genre. Shounen manga/ anime ask dumb questions that even a toddler should know. While seinen, actually gives you the creeps.

"Or maybe... How do intestines taste like? I mean... It's long, right? Do they have sex with pineapples or bananas? Can guys have vaginas?"

Suzuya you're going too far, that's not just creepy but completely revolting. 

* * *

... Let's just go back to Ayato and Shinohara...

Which, was kinda one-sided on Ayato's part. The stupid human was just swinging around with his weapon while Ayato practically turned him into a porcupine. Then again Shinohara wasn't even in the mood to fight, but he had no choice.

"This guy is strong, but I can't use it. It's not safe, I have to keep going!"

Ayato, on the other hand, was feeling very uncomfortable and wondering why looking at Shinohara's face made him so mad and gave him urges to punch him. But right when Ayato's kagune collided with Shinocchi's quinque, Arata felt his beloved son's presence and became excited with happiness.

"What?!"

"Fuck noooooo!"

The tentacle-like parts returned and not only did they began to harass Shinohara again, but even Ayato was getting sexually harassed by his own father.

"Ah. No, not again... Please... I can't..."

"... Da... Daddy... No... Please! I don't like this! I want to go home, daddy! I'm sorry! I'll be a good boy now! No, daddy! Ahh! I!"

Ayato would never be the same again. 

* * *

So, Kaneki's battle had turned into plain pathetic. First, Sachi began to write weird drawing on the wall. Then, he made a wheel, set himself on fire and collided with the wall repeatedly. After all, that Kaneki just allowed himself to be punched, but let's forgive him for now because his sanity was crumbling at the very moment and he practically could only feel the crawling of the centipede in his ear. He couldn't even make out the environment he was in. Now everything was red and started to smell like blood and rotting flesh to him. So, after some more punched from the drugs addict, Kaneki sank his teeth into the ape hooligan's neck and ripped a big chunk of it along with his shoulder.

"UUAAAAAAGHHHHH! WEED KILL RIZE! WEED KILL RIZE! HOOHA HOOHO!"

Since the idiot was so slow and hardly realised that he was turned into a buffet, only after Kaneki was munching of his hand, did drug addict noticed what was happening and punched Kaneki to... The ghoul trash/ graveyard room. For some reason, it was filled with skeletons and dead bodies. Is that where the CCG disposes of their dead bodies or something? Seriously!

Anyway, Sachi continued to rampage, until Eto, who practically floated down, shot him with a tranquiliser.

"Alright... This didn't go as a planned. Seriously, I thought that guy was some peace loving ghoul. Has this place turned him into a junkie or something... Guess it's time to make some calls with rehabilitation centres."

That also explains why we haven't heard anything from Sachi after this episode and why he suddenly attacked Kaneki for no reason.

Speaking of our lovely protagonist! He completely lost it! Yup, sunken to the bottom of the abyss! He was stuffing himself full of the skeletons and corpses and the dead people in the ghoul trash/ graveyard room, which contained the corpses of both ghouls and humans who the CCG had disposed of, including Kaneki's relatives! But hey, he didn't give a damn, nope, he just followed this voice which told him to eat and destroy anything in his path. All while his kakuja began to manifest!

*crunch, chomp, rip, crunch, chomp, rip, crunch, chomp, rip*

*crack*

"Ke... Keke... Kekekekekekeke! Thousand minus seven is whaaaaaaaat?!"

The birth of Centipede! 

* * *

Somewhere in a dark unknown place, far, far away from the madness...

"Let's see, that Akira girl got violated and probably needs therapy after this, Shinohara-san is reliving his nightmares and Ayato-kun is probably brain dead, if he ever survives that molestation attack, Vexen 2.0 died due to a lack of heart and major blood loss, Sachi will be forced to go to rehab and probably get a brain scan to see if his brain functions, Houji-san will probably experience another failed attempt at killing himself and sink deeper into his depression, some ghoul will probably catch Pineapple-kun having sex with his pineapple and traumatise the poor ghoul for life, Washuu Sr. is screwed with the bike lover as his new partner and will lead to the deaths of hundred investigators, Kaneki-kun has finally lost any bit of sanity he had and that crazy Naki and Floppyman are still crazy idiots. Everything is going according to plan!"

"Perfect! They're all playing in the palm of our hands and before they will realise what's happening, it will be too late! Those pretty bishounen will be all mine!"

"Ahhh, I can't wait to see Kaneki-sama in action!"

"All in good time. Roma-chan!"

"Shhhh, don't speak my name out loud! The readers will know, stupid Koutcha!"

"Uhhhaaaaahaaa! For the last time, my name is Souta! Why is everyone undervaluing me?! Waahaaaa!"

Geez, stop nagging! Who cares if we don't remember your name, it's not like your face would be revealed any sooner. And Roma, stop bitching, everyone is already aware of the true evil in this universe is.

"Author-san has a point. The ones laughing at the end will be us!"

... I doubt that. The readers are supposed to be the kings of each story. But whatever, say what you want to believe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, what a chapter! For one of the episodes that were the worst animated of the whole season, this chapter wasn't that bad. XD if any of you is curious about the Chasing the red dragon joke. Well, you probably know what chasing the dragon means and for those who don't we have the Internet for that. The red is more like a reference to the RC cells since this is supposed to be a show about ghouls though Pierrot didn't seem to have focused a lot on that during this season. Kaneki and Sachi do fit perfectly for that. XD
> 
> Alright! I've finally caught up with the chapters! Ugh, what a work with all those time skips and all. I'll need to revise this story too for grammar and spelling. I'll do that another time. XD
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	6. Le Stoned Centipede

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Episode 5.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally got my ass moving and began to revise the previous chapters. I hope I got rid of all the mistakes now. But you never know.
> 
> Enjoy the latest chapter.

_"JUSTICE!! Is the sole principle for those who want to combat against evil! We must protect the innocents from the injustice in this world! And as long as I am: FLOPPYMAN, I will continue to do so!"_

The class kept silent. Practically no one paid attention. All the flashback students were too busy with staring and their teacher's strange garbage outfit. A few students in the back were talking and giggling, making spitballs and playing pranks. Too bad for them Flopyman noticed.

_"Injustice! Feel the wrath of FLOPPYMAN!"_

The rest was censored due to the gruesomeness of the scene. Just like that, the class finished and the students were dismissed. Many would later visit the shrink to cope with the trauma they had just received and the students who were playing with spitballs... They would never have the opportunity to enjoy their lives again in their current vegetative state. Almost all students received a trauma, all except for three students. The Yasuhisa twins, who somehow, had the same hair colour as they did in the present time. Weird, I was certain they got their black/ white hair after the transplant. Meh, forget it, the twins didn't care about Amon and our lovely Suzuya neither because they are the main characters in this flashback. It was partly also, due to Suzuya being too occupied with killing every monster in Undertale, except for Toriel because he liked her.

Thus, for no reason, the twins and some unknown random student approached Floppyman.

The girl was fidgeting like some boring brat from a shoujo manga.

_"Uhm, investigator Amon... Is it possible for even women to become great investigators?"_

_What an old-fashioned idiot._

_"JUSTICE does not differentiate!"_

The girl smiled for no apparent reason. Gee, we live in the 21st century. Kuro and Shiro, on the other hand...

_"Why were we supposed to be laughing here, Kuro? Was there something funny?"_

_"I don't know, Shiro. We lost our parents by the hand of ghouls, and the CCG is teaching the people to be terrible murderers... By the way... What happened and to that... Shizu... Whatever-her-name-was-girl?"_

_"We ate her."_

_"Oh yeah..."_

Meh, she was weak and sick anyway. By the way, they were still humans when they devoured her.

After they stared at the grave of the unimportant girl student, they left the place, deciding to never ever remember that unknown person again, nor the cannibalising incident. They decided to take the only path available, wherever that let them to... It turned out, it led them to where Suzuya was.

_"Rei?"_

_"Hiiiii Kurona! Nashiro!"_ Suzuya squeaked.

The twins glanced at the not yet stalker. _"What are you doing?"_

_"I'm killing ants with a magnifying glass!"_

While normally, you'd think that, that... Makes sense for Suzuya, but since it was too cloudy for any sunlight to shine, it would make you wonder how he could do that. Then again, it's Suzuya; he doesn't need logic for his freaky hobbies.

Kuro and Shiro only blinked. _"Alright, enjoy your day."_

And they continued walking without a care.

_"Bye bye! Next time please let me watch you when you eat another person!"_

Too bad for Suzuya the next person they would eat would be when Kanou has turned them into half ghouls already. 

* * *

"Ah, that reminds me... Kuro?"

"Yes, Shiro?"

"Nii-san is the first experiment."

"Yes."

"Papa took the kakuhou of Rize and transplanted it into him."

"Yes."

"Afterwards, he was in the hospital for a month."

"Yes."

"To perform the second transplant the kakuhou would need time to grow back. Since it takes longer for a kakuhou to regrow than just limbs."

"Yes."

"Rize wasn't fed much so that she had no strength to fight back."

"Yes."

"As a result, her healing speed also decreased."

"Yes"

"The manga had a time skip of six months. During that time, we got the transplant, recovered from it and trained to get stronger. Even so, here we only got a time skip of at least..."

"...?"

Nashiro looked up. "Sorry, I don't know how much time passed between season 1 and season 2. Even so, I don't think it was long.

It was probably a few hours or days.

"Then how could papa transplant two kakuhou into us in such a short period and increase our strength too?"

Shhhh, Pierrot cut Rize out of the script! Talking about Rize-related things is a taboo here! But now that you mention it...

What the fuck?!

"Please, don't forget me! I'm also here!"

Ah, Suzuya... Sorry...

For some reason, those three began to fight. The twins were only there to stalk Kaneki, thus, they didn't really have any reason or need to meddle with anyone, and Suzuya was... Well aside from bored. He actually wanted to finish his book. After some lame moves, The twins could separate Suzuya from his Jason scythe.

"Aww! My Super Duper Suzuya Weapon 2.0!" The investigator whined. "That's my favourite!"

The twins were about to deal the final blow by directly running towards him, but our beloved peeping Tom cut Kuro with his knife... Really, couldn't you dodge that one or something?

"Kuro!"

"Ugh, don't worry, it will heal."

Suzuya smiled. "Will it also heal from a million stabs?"

He opened his shirt, showing not only his undershirt but his whole body covered with knives.

"I actually wanted to save this for the next boxing tournament!"

... Isn't that cheating? 

* * *

Now, back to our lovely Shinohara and Ayato, who were still being sexually harassed by the Arata quinque.

"No, daddy please, I promise! I will treat nee-chan better! I won't hurt her anymore! Daddy! Waahhaaaa!"

"Waaa no ahh not aga... in... Why... This isn't fair! I didn't sign up for this! Ahhh! Hnnn! I want to retire!"

Both Ayato and Shinohara were in agony. The build up anger, the ukaku ghoul harboured towards his father turned quickly into fear and sadness. While their cries were obviously audible for every investigator and ghoul, no one bothered to see what was happening or to save them. Yup, they all had their perception of what shady things had happened with the two. 

* * *

While that happened at one place, Suzuya was easily stabbing Kuro repeatedly while her twin, instead of trying to save her sister, watched in silence for a few seconds until she lamely tried to attack Suzuya with her kagune. Seriously girl, learn to aim! You can do better than stabbing!

Kuro tried to grow a pair of balls and tried to defend herself. But instead of gaining distance between her and Suzuya, she stayed on the same spot, only using her kagune to attack... How do you expect to survive if the sole thing you can do is stay in one spot, waiting to be stabbed again? No, why the hell isn't Nashiro considering to carry her sister and flee from the scene?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!

As obvious as it was, Kurona's plan failed, and she was stabbed repeatedly by Suzuya to the point where Pierrot has to censor her because it would be too horrible for the kids to see, seriously this is supposed to be seinen! What's the point of censoring if the majority of the fans have read the manga by now?! And of course, that stupid sister of hers could only stand there, doing nothing. What an idiot.

"Do you guys want to read my book when it's released?! It's going to be about pineapples and humans fucking each other, inspired by a real-life event!"

Again, Nashiro had the perfect opportunity to save her sister's and her own life, but instead, she blindly launched herself at Suzuya, making her an easy target. Our Seinapple lover sliced her with one swing.

Pierrot's pathetic attempt to make us feel sorry and sad about the twins was completely boring and took place in slow motion. Not that there's any chance to feel any pity. Faking it is not an easy task when their fight looked like a dreadful exhibition. Especially when you consider the decisions, they took, which were stupid ones. Gee, have they been taught anything at all about surviving?

Though Shiro was heavily injured, it wasn't THAT deathly. Thus, after Nashiro collapsed on the ground and Kurona stared completely speechless. Suzuya smiled, sat on the ground, opening the first page of his manuscript.

"Chapter 1: A fruitful meeting!" 

* * *

Let's go back to tentacle rape!

Shinohara just had another orgasm and was panting on the ground, while Ayato's mental health was beyond help. The boy was crying and whimpering like an eight-year-old, lying on the floor, motionless.

"Daddy, please don't hurt me anymore... *sob sob* I... Will be good, I promise! I don't want to hurt nee-chan..."

"Ugh... Why... Is this happening..."

Before Shinohara could move again, Arata activated for the second time. This time, not only did it wrapped itself around the investigator's private parts, but also his throat and for Ayato... The nightmare restarted again. At least, he didn't need to suffer under breath play.

"Ugh... gh guaaa!"

The man struggled desperately. Saliva dripped out of his mouth. His groans and coughing were overwhelmed by Ayato's hysteric screams. Arata was so tightly wrapped around his son, that it shattered the boy's kagune. 

* * *

"He feverishly rubbed the rough texture of the fruit against his skin, feeling the tension building inside. He was spilling it already, but he wanted more!"

Suzuya was reading enthusiastically from his novel manuscript while sitting on a blood-and-organs-covered Kuro and Shiro. The two were currently incapable of moving, on courtesy of our lovely, crazy investigator. The twins concluded that death wasn't so bad if it could spare them from listening to Suzuya's novel. The two were lucky that the majority of the organs and blood weren't theirs. I bet she wished she had taken her sister and ran when she had the chance.

"Shiro... We're quitting this show when this episode is over."

Nashiro did not respond as she had already lost consciousness.

"Alright, what did you think of it?"

Shiro quickly glanced up at Suzuya, who was looking at her. She glanced nervously around the room. All the ghouls in the room were dead.

"It, uh, was great."

"Really? What part did you like the most?"

"... The part... Where he chummed over the pineapple and licked it?"

"And what about the part where he put his dick in the small hole he made?"

"Sure... Can we go now?"

"Go ahead! I still need to work on some details!"

Kurona quickly grabbed her opportunity. She grabbed her sister and ran out of the room as fast as she could. Suzuya watched them leave with a satisfying smile on his face. "This story is going to be a best seller!" 

* * *

Speaking of pineapples! Seidou, Piña Colada and the depressed Houji were staring blankly at the death bodies in the room. Seeing the many lucky dead guards made Houj-man frown.

"Damn, we arrived too late! The ghouls are all gone... Another plan failed!"

Seinapple gave his superior as strange look while hugging his fruit girlfriend. Luckily, one of the doors opened, and Tatara appeared with a blood-covered straw in his hands.

"Who would have thought that nobodies taste so delicious. I should attack those guys more often."

He licked his lips in satisfaction, cleaning them from the remaining dried-up blood.

Depressed Houjo noticed this of course and grabbed his opportunity.

"Takizawa, stay there. It's too dangerous for you!" Houji commanded. He seemed more gleeful than a four-year-old who eats candy for the first time.

Our pineapple lover blinked confused at his superior sudden change of mood. "Huh?"

The ghoul and the investigator walked towards each other in slow motion. Tatara, because he was bored and Houj-man because he was too happy and tried to contain his joy for the near-completion of his suicide plan. None of them paid any attention to the dead bodies, nor did they seem to care, even Takizawa didn't pay much mind. However, he was too busy staring at the odd black and red graffiti on the wall and also at that one investigator who was sticking out his butt. Actually, it looks very funny.

The two opponents finally arrived at their destination and just stared at the scene in front of them.

"So, you're also part of Aogiri." Houjo exclaimed as he looked at Tatara."

"... Do I know you?"

That one sentence crumbled any bit of pride and self-esteem that the investigator had left.

"I'm associate Special class Houji!"

"Doesn't ring a bell."

"I fought against you in China!"

"Could you be more specific?"

"I killed two of your comrades!"

"Fei and Yan? They were eaten by a pineapple."

"LLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!" 

* * *

While Houji fell into the depths of despair, after finding out that the only ghoul who should have given him some form of recognition, didn't remember him and also replaced his grudge for him with a grudge for a pineapple, Ayato and Shinohara... Weren't any better off either. To be honest they were even worse, especially Ayato.

"Waa... Da...ddy... Onee-chan...*sniffsniff* I wanna go home!"

Yeah, both were hardly able to stand, and Ayato's face was wet with tears. 

* * *

Yaaay flashback!

Wait... Damn the anime skipped too many details!

... Anyway, according to the script. It was about nine to eight years ago. When Ayato and Touka were just adorable and squishy. I mean teddy bear squishy. Like you can hug them and not want to let go because they look cuter than your own pet squishy.

Touka was wearing those typical frilly girl pyjama with ribbons while Ayato had an adorable baby blue, boy pyjama which was sailor themed. Practically all their clothes were Lolita for Touka and sailor boy themed for Ayato. All handpicked by Arata, some were even custom-made.

They were all hurled together in a big futon. The cute siblings were hugging each other, because apparently, they had a close bond... In a previous life. Arata was supposed to be reading them a story, but halfway through, the cuteness of his children distracted him too much, so he began to hug them instead.

_"My cute Touka and Ayato, you're daddy's pride!"_

_"Father, what is pride?"_ Touka asked in an unrecognisable cute tone.

Seriously, what happened to these cute little dolls to have turned into violent asses in the future? Society is the cruelest thing out there!

_"That's what daddy feels when he sees his adorable treasures!"_

So, he wants to brag about his kids? I'm not surprised.

 _"Adorable treasures?"_ Ayato asked, also in a super adorable tone. _"Like with onee-chan and her bunny doll?"_

_"... Ah... Yes..."_

The fact that Ayato mentioned Touka's rabbit doll, and not him made him slightly sad.

 _"And father too!"_ Chibi-Touka exclaimed. _"Father is precious to us, right Ayato?"_

_"Un!"_

The adorable exclamation of the innocent children made Arata cry. _"Ah, my cute little children! Daddy will always protect you!"_

Bedtime arrived and while chibi-Touka and chibi-Ayato were sleeping soundly, Arata put on his jacket and got ready to leave. He did not want to go out. He actually wanted to stay and cuddle his two kids, but if he didn't go out, Touka and Ayato wouldn't have breakfast and as a single father, it was his job to take good care of his two children.

_"If only Hikari was here to see how big our cute children have gotten."_

With a pained heart, the father with the children complex went out to hunt. That was the last time Touka and Ayato saw their father.

By the way, for those who only watched the anime... Which is probably a small minority, Arata was killed by Shinohara and Mado Kureo. Afterwards, they informed the neighbourhood about a ghoul living there with two children, since Arata was also carrying bags of clothes for kids.

Poor Ayato and Touka were betrayed by those they trusted and had no choice but to flee and wander for a while. Thus, their innocence was tainted, and they turned into the two brats we know today!

End of flashback! 

* * *

"Daddy... Don't leave us..."

Shinohara could only stare at the sobbing child while he was trying to recover from his multiple orgasms. "Ugh... Shit... I have to get out of this thing... Before it goes off again..."

Too bad for him, fate or better say luck, wasn't on his side. A sudden noise caught Shinohara's attention, and before he knew it, the investigator was attacked by red tentacles. Okay, almost attacked, due to his repeating experiences with the Arata quinque, he could evade the tentacles just in time. Of course, it wasn't good for his mental health with that tentacle trauma of his. The red tentacle grabbed the traumatised black rabbit, which made our barbarian child go into a mental breakdown and shock.

"AAAHhHH! NO! DaDDY PLeASe! DoN't TOuCh ME ANyMOrE! I'LL Be A GOoD CHiLD! I'M GOoD! I DoN'T WaNT TO! I WANT MoMMY! NeE-CHAN! I WaNT TO GO HomE! NOOOOOOOOooOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Struggling, only did so little to the red tentacle, obviously.

Fearing the worst, Shinohara hoped that he could shield himself from the smoke and the unidentified being with his arms...

He opened his eyes to see if the coast was clear, only for him to see that he became the assaulting target of a psychopathic centipede.

"IYAAAAAAHHHH!

Purple tentacles almost pierced the idiotic investigator, but again Shinohara's trauma reflexes kicked in, and he quickly stepped aside.

"Fuck fuck fuck! Why me?! Why am I the one having to combat a kakuja or a half-kakuja?! Both are bad news. Why can't it be Amon or Suzuya or that pineapple lover, Seidou? At least, they're insane enough to engage with one."

No, I don't think Seidou would engage with a kakuja... Or any ghoul whatsoever, he'd probably be making out with his pineapple in the storage room where no one bothers to go. 

* * *

Meanwhile...

Akira was hiding in one of the most abandoned places of Cochlea... The storage room. Her mind was broken, body; ravished and violated by an insane ghoul, a leg injury that could cause rabies and her suicide plan had failed miserably. Not to mention that psycho of an Amon was looking for her and calling out her name. Not that she'd ever respond.

"I... Fucking... Hate... My life..."

Yeah, she was pretty shaken and every sound or movement would make her jump. Like now when she heard something shuffling in the closet.

"NOOOOOOOO! STAY AWAY FROM ME! DON'T TOUCH ME!"

"Ah, an investigator..."

Akira looked up to see two girls; twins. Kurona and Nashiro. They were sitting on the other side of the room, covered in wounds and bruises. Their single kakugan glancing at the traumatised Akira. The woman felt like there was still a faint shimmer of hope present in her life.

"You two... Are ghouls... Please eat me! I don't want to be stuck here anymore! This place sucks! My father was killed! My superiors lumped me together with a harassing lunatic, and I've also been raped by a crazy ghoul from Aogiri! Please, I don't want to live anymore!"

The twins glanced at each other, then back at Akira.

"I'm sorry, but we're not very eager to eat at the moment," Kuro spoke up.

"Yes, especially after being forced to listen to a disgusting erotic story of a human and a pineapple. We're just hiding here until the commotion is over so that we can disappear from this show." Shiro added.

 _'Damnit Suzuya!'_ The blonde cursed. "But you don't have to eat me now! You can keep me in a fridge and eat me later, or at least take me with you! I don't want to be here either! This place is filled with freaks!"

The door opened right when Akira said those words, and to her horror, Amon's head popped out. He stared at Akira for a second, but his attention went quickly to the twins. He observed the two carefully. All three females were too tense and startled to move and completely aware of the nature of Floppyman.

"Those children... HAVE BEEN HARASSED! I have to find the culprit and clean this place of any unjust! For my name is, FLOPPYMAN!"

Without any comment to Akira, he closed the door and ran off.

After a few minutes of silence had passed, all three let out a sign of relief.

"That was close," Kurona mumbled.

The other two could only mood in agreement. 

* * *

A few floors above the scene, Eto was skipping happily over the dead bodies of the investigators. For some reason, they all had their asses hanging up in the air.

"I wonder... if I should have some fun with those bodies." Eto began to giggle as she approached the corpses for closer inspection. "Ohoho. Yes! Let's leave the survivors a present!"

She began to collect all the corpses on the floor. Unbuttoned their jeans and underwear and stacked them together. As finishing touch, she jabbed flowers in their asses.

"Wow! Investigators can fart flowers! It's a fuck flower mountain!"

The woman stared at the half-naked stacked up corpses and burst into mad laughter.

"Hahaha, I wish Tatara could see this! Hahaha! Ah!"

Realising that she still had a camera with her, Eto searched through her pockets for her camera and made a lot of pictures.

"Perfect, now let's look at the lower floors!"

Obviously, the only thing she saw, were corpses and more corpses, all sticking their buts in the air. A grin formed on the tiny woman's lips.

"Ahh, this is going to be awesome!"

Back to white Fluffkins and traumatised almost-rape victim.

Shinohara began to run desperately to stay alive. While Fluffy White X was playing around with his dinner, a maniacal grin was plastered on his face.

"I QUIT! IQUITIQUITIQUITIQUITIQUITIQUITIQUITIQUITIQUITIQUITIQUITIQUITIQUITIQUITIQUITIQUIT! I don't want to do this anymore! This is not worth the money!"

The poor man was caught by our main... Anti-tragic-hero... And was slammed into the wall.

**"M-my fingers... On the bench... C-Centipedes... I-In my ears! Kekekekekekeke!"**

By just dumb luck, Shinohara could land a hit on Kaneki, but too bad for him. Our showy white-head released a new pair of kagune while laughing maniacally.

 **"Mother, mother... Heey, I-I'm distorted! Me?!** (Boku) **Me?!** (Watashi) **Me?!** (Ore) **Mememe! Because I-I'm going to protect everyone..."**

He also began to speak some poem gibberish that even I can't understand.

**"A-a thousand minus... S-seven... I-is what?!"**

Shinohara gasped. "A math question! Of all the ghouls I've encountered, you're the craziest of them all!"

Wait? So you mean when someone asks you a simple math question, you call that insane? Well then, that makes all of us insane! Hey, anyone knows what you get when you add one and one together?

"B-but...!"

Shut your trap and pay attention!

**"A-A-A-A~ya~to—kuuuuuun! ... I'm going to half-kill you! In other words, I'lL TWiSt OfF YoUr FiVE ToEs WiTH PLiERs aND PuT A CeNTiPeDE IN YoUR EaR! TaKE YoU ON A DaTE At THe BoOkSToRE. EVeRYTHiNG IS GeTTiNg SCrAMBLeD GeNTlY IN My SToMAcH. SuBSTrACT THoUSaND MiNUs SeVEn MiNUs SeVEn MiNUs SeVEn MiNUs SeVEn IS?!"**

And that's what you call crazy. Not some stupid excuse of math question that even a toddler can guess with ease.

**"LiVInG MeAnS eATiNG OtHERs... SO I'lL EaT ThEM! iT CaN'T BE HeLPEd, RIiIGhT!? BeCAuSE THeY'Re In MY WaY!"**

Mister Fluff cracked his finger and pierced Shinohara before he could think or run away. A creepy grin appeared on his face as the unfortunate human began to cough blood. 

* * *

Now let's interrupt this awesome scene with Houji and Tatara!

Houji was practically sobbing and sniffing desperately while he clutched himself to Tatara's coat.

"IT WAS MEEEE! I KILLED YOUR COMRADES! YOU SHOULD HATE ME! YOU SHOULD WANT TO KILL MEE! NOT A DAMN PINEAPPLE! WHY IS IT ALWAYS A PINEAPPLE! I'M THE ONE WHO'S SUFFERING HERE! A WALKING BUFFET JUST GAVE HIMSELF TO YOU! WHY WON'T YOU KILL ME AND RELEASE ME FROM THIS TORTURE!"

Tatara sighed. He glanced away for just a bit, but when he spotted Seidou making out with his fruit, he froze.

Yuck, that's just gross...

"You!"

"What?!" Seinapple shrieked. He hugged his girlfriend tightly."

**"You're the one who took them away from me! Give them back!"**

"Nooo! She is my girlfriend! I will never hand my beautiful Piña Colada over to anyone! Get your own pineapple!" Pineapple lover barked as he quickly ran away with his girlfriend.

Tatara was about to run after him. However, the building began to spout CRC gas in Tatara's face. The ghoul began to cough heavily and practically choke in his saliva.

 **"Ugh! What the fuck!** *cough cough* **BITCH, my eyes! My fucking eyes! It hurts so fucking much! You son of a bitch! Do you have any idea how much this hurts?! You piece of shit! I'm out of here! Don't think this is over!"**

And thus, Tatara made a not so glorious retreat as he stumbled away from the scene, leaving Houjo, not only speechless but also frustrated.

"Nooo! This isn't over yet! Come back and eat me!" Depressed noob tried to run after his lover, but he tripped, fell on the fence about five floors until he hit the ground. Despite the pain, broken ribs he endured and the possibility that his skull split open, he was still alive. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK!" 

* * *

**"MY BoDY aND HeAD ArE FeELInG SO ReFREsHED. YoU'Re HeAVy aND SO iT CaN'T BE HeLPeD. YOu SaVAgE. YoU'rE NoT aDEQuATe FoR ME. i'M TiRED oF OnLY EaTiNG DiSGuSTInG MeAt. In THiS SITuATiON, EvEN An OLd MaN Is GoOD... RiGhT?"**

Fluffkins snow head, who now reminds me a lot of Einstein's freaky hair, approached the 'indomitable' Shinohara, who was laying on the ground, completely defeated. Bite marks, not only on his body but also on Arata were present... Let's hope this won't affect Kaneki too much... Despite the attacks Shinohara endured, his injuries weren't lethal, on courtesy of Arata.

_'Is this going to be the end of me? After being turned several times into the victim of my own quinque and unable to battle properly, will I become the snack of a rampaging half-kakuja? I couldn't even lay a finger on the black rabbit... Am I going to kick the bucket after all those years of service? No, I can't, I can't leave my wife! I have a duty to fulfil! I didn't reach this far due to dumb luck! I have to do it! I have to beat this ghoul!'_

He balled up his fist and opened his eyes, ready to rise and make his comeback but... the little button on his neck started to glow and peeped.

"Oh no, please don't!"

And Arata began to play with his genitals all over again.

"AHHH, NOOOOOO ARATAAA!"

Centipede, of course, did not approach his target and quickly jumped away from the rampaging quinque. He stared confused at the sudden scene in front of him. His messed up brain couldn't really get a grip on what was going on. It was the perfect moment for a door to open and for a certain lunatic Floppyman to step inside.

They say all the good things come to an end, that counts especially for Akira. Yup, Floppyman came back for her and dragged her along with him so that she could complete her mission as Floppygirl, mental trauma's and heavy injuries, be damned. Kurona and Nashiro fled by then.

Due to the CRC gas, it was impossible for any human or ghoul to see properly... unless you're a messed up freak like Amon. He dragged Akira along with him since she had gone into shock some time ago. I can't really blame her.

Floppyman immediately noticed Shinohara and Arata. Fluffy climbed the walls, observing the strange scene with caution.

"You!" Amon pointed at his superior. How dare you to molest that old man! You're also the culprit who molested those little girls! Evil spawn! I, FLOPPYMAN! Will make you pay for your sins! FLOPPYMAN ATTACK!"

Thus, the events from chapter one were repeated again... With only one victim, a different audience and a different environment.

"FLOPPYMAN KICK! PLOPPYMAN PUNCH! FLOPPYMAN HEADBUTT! FLOPPYMAN BODY SLAM! FLOPPYMAN FURY! FLOPPYMAN JUSTICE BEAM!"

Furthermore, there was no one to stop Floppyman this time. Since the fluffy centipede wasn't able to have a good grasp of his surroundings, and Ayato and Akira were too damaged and unable to move, plus they weren't conscious. Let's hope Shinohara will survive this attack. The first laying somewhere in a corner where fluffipede left him, while Akira was immediately dropped by Amon when he began to assault another innocent.

"FLOPPYMAN CHOP! FLOPPYMAN POUND! FLOPPYMAN TOSS! FLOPPYMAN TOSS! FLOPPYMAN RAGE! FLOPPYMAN JUSTICE BEAM!"

Due to the horrifying nature of Amon's... Violence, this scene has been censored for the public of all ages.

"FLOPPYMAN BITE! FLOPPYMAN STOMP! FLOPPYMAN SLAM! FLOPPYMAN RAGE! FLOPPYMAN CLUB! FLOPPYMAN HAMMER! FLOPPYMAN FANG! FLOPPYMAN SMASH! FLOPPYMAN THRUST! FLOPPYMAN SHOT! FLOPPYMAN ACID! FLOPPYMAN JAB! FLOPPYMAN GRIP! FLOPPYMAN STRIKE! FLOPPYMAN WRATH! FLOPPYMAN JUSTICE BEAM!"

Damn, he's taking his time... I don't think Shinohara would survive or at least not as sane as he used to...

Oh, well. Akira was slowly regaining her consciousness.

"Ugh, please tell me I just had a horrible nightmare, and that I woke up in bed."

Sadly for her, when she spotted Amon, she knew it wasn't a dream. That's the harsh truth of reality.

"... I am not going to save special class Shinohara. There's no way I will meddle with anyone whose..."

Oh, she found Kanekipede! He was cracking his fingers and still observing the odd scene.

"... What?!"

And out of nowhere Floppyman and the unfortunate ugly old man were buried by a pile of naked bodies, which fell from the sky. The one-eyed owl landed next to it.

"Ugh!"

"JUSTIC... ACK!"

**"Hi, there! I'm just here to collect that unconscious, traumatic hooligan child over there and the white snowball! Bye bye!"**

With only a swing of two of her kagune, she grabbed Ayato and Shironeki and jumped into the air.

**"Ah, enjoy the present I left behind!"**

Akira blinked once... Twice... And then it hit her. "Nooo! Wait, come back! Take me with you or kill me! Please, I beg of you! I'll do anything! Don't leave me here with that psycho! I want to reunite with my parents!"

Too bad for Akira, Eto already left.

"Fuck this shit!"

Floppyman and Shinohara had no knowledge of this recent event of course since they were buried under a pile of dead naked manliness. :) 

* * *

Up in the air, Eto, who was still carrying the two unconscious boys, was humming happily.

"It turned out to be quite chaotic. At least, the mission was a success, sort of. We reached our objective... Whatever that may have been and no one important died!"

The kakuja was silent until something hit her.

"Wait... Why do I feel like I've forgotten something? Oh well, it's probably not that important." 

* * *

Back to Shinohara and co...

"Somebody... Help... I can't breathe... I also feel like something is poking my neck, and my back, and my belly, and my face... And my ass. Uh, wait isn't that...!"

"JUSTICE WILL PREVAIL! FOR I AM FLOPPY...!"

Before Amon could finish his sentence, another thing fell from the sky on top of the naked pile.

"Mama Yamori? Naki did doodoo! NYYAAAAAAAAHAAAAANYAAAAAAAAAA!"

The retarded Naki cried, right after blinking two times. How he landed there... No one knew.

Shinohara and Amon had no time to realise what was happening, as Arata activated again and began to molest the whole pile of dead bodies and the only three living ones that were stuck inside the pile. Akira stared horrified as Shinohara's and Naki's screams broke any possible silence.

Expression hid under her bangs, she glanced at the pile then at the floor and at the horrible state she was in. She grabbed her quinque and slit her throat, hoping that heaven finally had some mercy for her.

Somewhere in limbo Arata began to fall into depression. As the cute little boy, he was so proud of turned out to become a jerk and was damaged beyond repair by his own father. The CCG is truly evil, for having turned such an innocent ghoul into a sex offender. And he's not even alive anymore.

While the whole place went silent finally, if you ignore the freak show caused by Arata, something round and big shifted from behind the doors. Due to its enormous weight, it tripped and fell on the ground. Yup, it was no one else but the fat meat; Tsukiyama Shuu. However, compared to the previous time, the ball of fat seemed to have been shrunken quite a lot. After Kaneki's departing, Tsukiyama's father; Tsukiyama Mirumo, forced his son to go on a strict diet in the hopes that he would regain his figure as soon as possible and to prevent the Tsukiyama name from losing more reputation than it already had. The Gourmet was stalking the White fluff between the short breaks he had from all his exercise and Weight Watcher appointments.

"Kaneki-kun... Has become so beautiful! What a magnificent display of cruelty! Fortissimo! Please wait a bit longer! Your sword will liberate you from your pain!"

"... Seriously, how the hell can a giant fat balloon-like him, move from one place to another without anyone noticing?" Banjou muttered.

Maybe it was thanks to the fact that everyone else here is crazy or drugged or mentally damaged?

"Point taken."

"Banjou-san, should we upload the images we got during this trip?" Sante asked.

"Sure, the fans apparently love it when Tsukiyama squishes his victims flat. I'm quite surprised that all those guys ended up with their asses in the air after being attacked by that fatso."

Well, that explains the surprisingly large amount of corpses and odd positions...

"We also got a call from some director who wants to make a movie out of Tsukiyama-san's activities." Ichimi pointed out.

"Seriously? Cool, so we get to make a lot of money!"

"We're becoming celebrities!"

Jiro and Sante made a high-five when they reached the same conclusion while Banjou and Ichimi gave the two ghouls an awkward stare.

"Anyway," Banjou coughed. "We need to get back soon. His next appointment is within an hour, and I don't want Matsumae-san or Kanae-san to start nagging at us because that fatso rolled off again."

Speaking of Tsukiyama... Where is he?

"What?!" All four exclaimed as they quickly turned around, only to find the Tsukiyama-heir missing.

"Kaneki-kun! I, Tsukiyama Shuu is watching you every step from afar and will protect you from all those disgusting worms that try to defile your beauty and purity! From the kitchen to the bathroom to the bedroom while you're undressing! I, Tsukiyama Shuu will be your ally!"

The fatso was rolling around a few floors higher, squishing more corpses and unfortunately injured ghouls or humans who had no opportunity to escape.

"Son of a bitch!" Banjou yelled.

Yup, the last couple of weeks have been a handful of the unappreciated group of ghouls. They were so lucky that no one noticed the destruction left behind by a screaming fat-ball with three ghouls running behind it. The investigators who were still alive were too busy with their own dramas, didn't give a damn.

This closes the eventful day of the CCG! 

* * *

"Hmm, things didn't go exactly as we hoped guys... I didn't even have the luxury to enjoy the magnificent expressions of Ayato-chan and Kaneki-kun! If only Arata could capture them both, that would make me the happiest man out there. Ah, just thinking about their erotic faces makes my loins burn with excitement and passion!"

"Kaneki-sama! *sniff* what happened to his glorious fighting scene as the Centipede? Where is the destruction? I want a remake!"

"What do you mean Roma-chan? It's not like the original scene in the anime was any better."

"No one asked you anything, stupid Koutcha!"

"Waaaahaaa! Why are you guys so mean to me?"

"Hey, hey, Uta, do it again, please! Do it again!"

"I'd never thought I'd see the day?"

"No, the other one!"

"It kinda smells like Chocobo?"

"Nooo, the awesome one!"

"Aren't they all awesome?"

"Uta!"

"Bring it on?"

"No, the OP one!"

"Ah! Limits are meant to be broken!"

"OMGOMGOMG *squeals* that's so awesome!"

Seriously guys, what's the point of trying to act all mysterious if everyone knows it's you, clowns?

"Don't ruin our fun! Our plans are going smoothly! I won't allow even you to get in the way of Kaneki-sama's shitty tragedy!"

You haven't even made an official appearance yet... Aren't you supposed to get ready for work or something?

"Oh shit! Almost forgot! I gotta go guys!"

"Have fun! And say hi to Ren-chan for me and U-chan and bring some delicious coffee or wine!"

... Well, my apologies for the embarrassment those clowns are, my dear readers...

And to be continued.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And our lovely Centipede finally made an entrance! It's also not as pathetic and a big disappointment as the anime showed. More chaotic of course and weirder things. Houji and Akira really had it bad here. Their wish to die was not fulfilled. Hopefully, Kaneki would be well aware that it could also apply to him... Okay, not the time to pull these jokes.
> 
> Ayato and Shinohara will need a lot of therapy. Akira probably too. Cochlea needs a massive clean up after the stunt Eto pulled, Naki... Well, you'll find will probably hunt nobodies from now on. Also... What happened to Noro? Hopefully, we get to see it later on.

**Author's Note:**

> Holy sizzles! So much has happened! First of all, here's a list of the songs present in this chapter:
> 
> 1\. Just Dance by Lady Gaga
> 
> 2\. I'm Santa and I know- Parody from Key of Awesome based on the song I'm sexy and I know it
> 
> 3\. Thriller by Micheal Jackson
> 
> 4\. Japanese version of Let it Go from the Disney Movie Frozen.
> 
> There's so much I want to say and I don't know what exactly. I'm tired, school has me working like crazy. Too much to do. And I hope you guys survived this chapter. Haha!
> 
> I hope you guys enjoyed the jokes, Tokyo Ghoul Root A will be over in a bit more than 1 week. 1 day actually, luckily I'll be going for more weeks. Depending on how much time I have to work on this story.
> 
> Thank you for reading, if you guys are curious how the Ganondorf vs Kaneki battle went, I can post it as some special spin-off chapter! Please leave a review, tell me what you loved, what you didn't love, if there are some questions or if you want another strange off-screen scene as a special chapter.
> 
> Till next time.


End file.
